The Best Man

By Kevin McCormick

Wednesday nights, always a quiet time in watering holes no matter which part of the world you live in. Wednesday is usually the calm before the storm, the storm being the weekend when a calm and tranquil oasis is transformed into a hub of working class folk having a good crack and letting off a bit of steam.
It’s during the tranquility of a Wednesday night that we find our seven builders musing about what lies ahead for the coming weekend, after spending the first couple of days talking about what they’d done on the previous one. This night though was exceptionally quiet with only the hushed tones from the television and the barely audible voice of Barry on the pub phone. Neville rose from the table and indicated to Barry he was buying the round. Returning with a tray full of drinks Neville said “I’ve never known him to be so quiet” He was talking about Oz who was scribbling a few things down on the back of a beer mat.
“Pressure of being the best man Nev. He’s been that busy organizing stag parties and piss ups for Paul he’s forgotton some of the other duties, one being the speech he has to give” Dennis said this without taking his eyes from the newspaper he was reading.
“I don’t think I could do it, stand up in front of all those people and give a speech” said Moxey.
“What about the times you’ve stood in court, facing all them people, strangers?” enquired Oz.
“Oh hello, you’re back with us then. That’s different, all I’m doing is answering questions” replied Moxey.
“Ahh, now there’s the secret you see. You put the question in the speech and then answer it. Listen to this” Oz read from the beer mat. “What can I say about Paul?”  There was a few moments silence. “And?” prompted Bomber.
“Well that’s it so far. I know what I’d like to say but if I say it the wedding will be called off!”
“Sixty minutes and that’s all you’ve done? Bloody hell Oz I could’ve wrote a book by now” said Dennis. Wayne put his paper down and said “I’ve done this before and never prepared anything. You just thank a few people, read a few cards and tell a few chosen anecdotes then before you know it you’re toasting the happy couple”
“It might be easy for you London but I’ll know most of them, and they all know me......”
“In that case they won’t be expecting much” said Moxey before he could finish.
“Watch it you, I could just as easily uninvite you as invite you”
“That’s another thing Oz, are you sure it’s ok if we all come up?” asked Bomber. Oz crossed his index finger over his middle finger and holding them up said “Me and Paul are like that. Besides, being the best man gives me a few priveledges, so I can invite a few friends if I wants!”
“Still, I think you should tell him, he’ll need the right numbers for the caterers” said Neville.
“Alright, alright, I’ll ring him tomorrow”
The three Geordie lads had been invited as they’d all worked with Paul in the northeast at various times. Oz had gone to school with him and played football with him before taking off on his travels. While he had not found the time to write to Marjorie or Rod, he’d still sent a postcard or two to Paul and caught up for a drink whenever possible.
Barry returned from the phone and enquired how Oz was coming along with his speech.
“What do you care, eh! You won’t get to hear it, you’ll be getting all cosy at home with Hazel”
“Just making polite conversation Oz. And for you’re information Hazels going away this weekend to Scotland to see a friend of hers, so I’ll be having a quiet weekend at home thank you very much”
“And probably a sprained wrist when you get back on Monday”
“Why don’t you come with us then Barry” suggested Bomber.
“What, without an invite. I’m sorry but it’s not the done thing, not where I’m from anyway. It’s for the chosen family and friends, not for any Tom, Dick and Harry who feels like going along”
“Or Wayne, Moxey and Bomber you mean” smiled Wayne.
“Correct, it’s a precise thing a wedding, getting the right numbers and mix for the church, then for the lunch........”
“And then the big sordid orgy afterwards” finished Dennis.
“Look Barry man, I’ll be talking to Paul tomorrow. If he says it’s ok then are you coming along or what?”
“I suppose under the circumstances a verbal invitation is acceptable, but on one condition”
“What condition?” asked Oz.
“We don’t go near Gateshead”

 Oz made a phone call to Paul as promised who’d said the more the merrier for his wedding. Paul knew all about the friendship he forged with the lads and it was no surprise to him when he’d asked if they could come along. The lads had decided that they’d all contribute towards a present for Paul and they also decided that Oz and Wayne wouldn’t be buying it after their previous attempts at buying gifts, Wayne with his kettle and Oz with the gaudy urn he’d bought in Spain. Neville and Barry did the honours, and with the generous donations bought what they deemed to be a suitable gift.
“A vacuum cleaner?” Moxey wasn’t impressed. “They’ve become the kettle and toaster of todays wedding gifts. Besides, everyone has one these days”
“Well I never got one” said Neville.
“That’s because you got married in the kettle and toaster days”
“Yeah, well this can shampoo carpets too. Very handy for any little spills” defended Neville.
“I didn’t hear you volunteering to buy the gift Moxey” said Barry.
“Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice gift, but for future reference if I ever get married, I wouldn’t want a vacuum cleaner”
Oz laughed, “If you ever get married it’ll be a miracle. Besides I know what we’d buy you, a fire extinguisher”

They travelled to Newcastle in two cars, Dennis’ and Oz’s, deciding to meet at the Fat Ox when they arrived. Oz arrived first with Wayne, Barry and Moxey and were indulging in their second pint before Dennis arrived. “Here they are, the slowcoaches” announced Oz.
“You drive like a madman you do Oz” said Bomber.
“Look, the weekend’s short enough as it is. I just want to get as much drinking time in as I can” Dennis sat with three pints for him and his passengers. “Have any of you lads thought about accommodation? I’m a bit pushed for room at the moment, but someone could have the lounge”
“Don’t worry Den, we were discussing it before you arrived” said Wayne. “Oz reckons there’s a cheap little Band B down the road so we’ll check it out. Besides, I’ll need somewhere to go when I score tonight”
“Sounds good to me” said Bomber.
“What’s the plan for tonight?” asked Barry, “Will we get to meet this friend of yours?”
“I don’t know, he’s on afternoons so if he gets off early, he’ll see us at his local, but I think she’s got the ball and chain on him already, his fiance”
“In that case, you can reacquaint us with the sights and sounds of your city then” said Bomber.
“Ok, let’s finish these and I’ll take you down to the B and B. While you lot check in I’ll drop my car off and meet you back here in about half an hour” Oz turned to Dennis and Neville, “Are you two coming out tonight?”
“Aye, but I won’t be making a night of it” said Neville.
“Typical!”
 
Oz took them to several pubs, a couple of clubs and at two thirty Saturday morning they were sat in a curry house waiting for their meals to arrive.
“Brenda’s gonna kill me when I get home” slurred Neville.
“Aye well you said that at eleven o’clock so you might as well be hung for a sheep than a lamb” said Oz.
“Can we go over the plan again for tomorrow” said Wayne, “I may have to write this down, I don’t think I’ll remember it” he added.
“I’ll go to Pauls place, put on my penguin suit and top hat then about midday Nev will pick you up and take you to his place.......”
“It’ll take until midday to get over tonight” interrupted Moxey.
“.........We’re all meeting at Nevilles then we’ve got to be at the church by two o’clock” continued Oz.
“Who’s got the present?” asked Barry.
“It’s in my car” replied Dennis.
“And the card?”
“Inside the box” said Neville.
“Why did you put it in there? I’ve gone and wrapped it now”
“Just wanted to make sure it didn’t get lost”
“Don’t fret man, I’ll explain it to Paul tomorrow” said Oz. A round of drinks arrived followed closely by their curries.
“Shit, this is hot” said Bomber.
“I may forget a lot of what happens tonight but my arse will remind me of this curry” said Moxey.

The lads at the bed and breakfast were up at the crack of midday. They’d all decided that sleep was more important than breakfast so slept through. As they left the building, Oz pulled up looking resplendent in his top hat and tails.
“It’s Bertie Bassett” commented Moxey.
“Looks more like a porter from the Ritz” said Bomber.
“Do us a favour squire and carry the luggage to the limo” said Wayne.
“Haha, very funny. Get in the car and lets get going before someone around here recognises us”
“I think you look very dapper Mr Osbourne” said Barry.
“Thank you Mr Taylor” he replied.
“Now lets go and kill Batman, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk” said Barry in his best Penguin voice. Oz aimed a kick at Barry who just avoided his shiny size twelve by diving into the car and caused the top hat to topple off his head. He picked up the hat and wiped the brim with the sleeve of his jacket. “I should’ve known” he muttered, got in the car and drove off to Nevilles.
At Neville’s, it was hard to tell whether Neville was suffering from the night before or the Brenda after. He was in the kitchen pouring cups of tea when they arrived. “Tea anyone?” he asked. Then he approached Barry “Here, this is what the invitations look like” Barry opened the card, “Nice” he said and put it on the table.
“I’d love a cuppa. Dennis not here yet?” asked Wayne. As if on cue, there was a knock. Brenda opened it and in came Dennis and Christine. If Brenda was none too pleased then Dennis looked furious. “I don’t believe it. I don’t fu-” he stopped as Debbie in a new dress entered the room. “How do I look uncle Dennis?”
“Beautiful pet. You may just need to tidy that bit of hair on the side” Feeling a few stray hairs she went upstairs to the bathroom to make the necessary readjustments.
“What’s wrong Den?” asked Neville.
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong, some bastard’s broke into my car”
“And the gift’s gone” finished Bomber.
“Along with my collection of Creedence Clearwater Revival tapes. I’d just finished putting that collection back together”
“We can’t go to a wedding without a gift” said Brenda, “What will they think?” There was a few moments silence. Oz looked at a clock on the wall. “It’s too late to get another now so let me explain it to him. We’ll finish our drinks and be on our way”
“I’ll buy a card on the way there, at least we’ll have something” said Dennis.
“Ere, Neville, I’ve got an idea” said Brenda, “We’ve still got a toaster in the loft from our wedding. Why don’t we give him that” The sound of Moxey laughing suggested that wasn’t going to happen.

It was twenty minutes after one when they all got going for the church. Oz left first with Moxey, Barry and Wayne, followed by Dennis with Christine and Bomber, the Hope’s leaving last. Two minutes into the journey and watching Oz, Dennis commented that Oz had gone down the wrong road. “He’s probably gone for a quick pint to steady his nerves” said Bomber.
“Well I hope he’s not too long, otherwise he’ll be late”
Oz though hadn’t made a wrong turn, or thought he hadn’t anyway. Five minutes later he pulled up outside the church and after asking Barry for the time they got out of the car and strolled over and through the church gates.
“I don’t know any of these people, they must be from the brides side” commented Oz. They entered the church and made their way down the aisle to the front pews. All the time, Oz’s head was going from side to side as if he was watching a tennis match. The others followed behind, nodding and waving to everyone as they passed. Wayne lingered a bit too long at one pew attempting to strike up a conversation with a female who appeared to be alone. A dig in the ribs from behind from Barry persuaded him to carry on. Arriving at the front, Oz turned right and sat at the front with the others one row behind. Everyone behind was starting to point and whisper which didn’t go unnoticed by Barry. “Why are they pointing at us?” he wondered out loud.
“Probably Wayne’s red hair man” answered Oz. “Strange though, I still don’t recognise anyone” A couple of the gentlemen they’d seen outside made their way down the aisle and sat beside Oz. “Who are you mate?” asked one of them.
“I’m the best man, who are you?”
“That’s funny, I thought I was the best man”
“Hold on, this can’t be right”
“You’re right there, you can’t have two best men”
“Actually, that’s not strictly true” said Barry, “You see I had six at my wedding--”
“Shut up Barry!” Things were starting to get confusing for Oz. “So who’s wedding is this?” he asked.
“Mine” said the other man.
“You’re not Paul!” said Oz.
“Obviously. Now if you don’t mind the bride’ll be here in a minute so I think you should leave” The four rose and made their way back up the aisle muttering apologies as they went. Outside Moxey said “Nice one Oz”
“I was sure this was the church” He scratched his head. “Hang on, there’s one at the other end of this street, it must be that one” They all jumped into the car and made their way to the other church. Again there were people massed outside and after not really learning from his last mistake he ran into the church and was half way down the aisle before realising that this too wasn’t the right place. After leaving behind another bewildered throng Barry said, “Look at the time Oz, it’s ten to. Which pigging church is it?” Oz rubbed his chin, “I’m not sure”
“What d’you mean you’re not sure!”
“It’s St. something or other”
“That’s unusual for a church to be named after a saint”
“Alright, alright, let me think”
“Where’s your invitation?” asked Moxey.
“At my mum’s, but she’s miles away”
“The bloody church could be as well for all we know”
“You know, I was looking at Nevilles invite but never took in the name of the church” said Barry.
“See it’s easy to do” said Oz.
“Yes, but not when you’re the best man”
“What did you do with Nevilles invitation after reading it?” asked Oz.
“I put it on the dining table”
“Is it still there?”
“As far as I know.......Hang on Oz, you can’t be serious?”
“Well do you have any other suggestions? Nev’s house is only five minutes away, ten at the most”
“Ring him up, Paul, find out where it is” suggested Moxey.
“He won’t be there now will he you duck egg”
“No” said Wayne, “He’ll be at the end of the church aisle, looking at his watch and wondering where the bloody hell you are. Meanwhile the bride will be doing laps of the church waiting for you to arrive. You won’t be needing a speech to piss her off”
“She won’t be there yet, Marjorie was half an hour late. Another minute and I would’ve called it off. To think, one more red light and it wouldn’t have happened. C’mon, get in the car”
They all got in and Oz made his way back to Nevilles in five minutes. They all got out and gathered around the front door. “Now what?” asked Wayne.
“Moxey picks the lock” said Oz.
“I can’t do a Yale lock!”
“Well I’ve seen you do padlocks”
“Yeah but they’re easy”
“Great” said Wayne, “So what now”
“Only one thing for it, break a window”
“No chance, you’re going too far now” said Barry. Oz wasn’t listening though. He scoured the area for something to break the window then taking off his top hat felt the hard edge at the top. “Ok Barry, go and call the police and tell them there’s been a break in here. There’s a phone at the end of the road I’ll go in and get the invitation” and with that he broke the window in the front door, reached inside and unlocked it. Wayne and Moxey stood outside waiting for him to return which he did thirty seconds later, waving them in. “He must’ve put it away, I can’t find it” he hissed. They went inside and after what seemed like an eternity found it. “C’mon, let’s go” Barry was already sat on the backseat of the car. The rest got in and just as they were pulling off the wailing of a police siren could be heard behind them. “They’ve seen us Oz, you’d better pull over”
“What! They won’t believe our cock and bull story. We’ll get to the church and explain it there” Oz drove to the church in an orderly fashion, not breaking any speed limits, not wanting to break any more laws. Arriving at last at the correct church he drove straight into the grounds, coming to a grinding halt, with the four spewing from the open doors. Dennis was watching what was happening from the church door in bewilderment and as they passed he whispered “What have you lot been up to?”
“Sanctuary” said Oz in his best Quasimodo accent as he passed him, rushing down the aisle, followed by the others. Oz was wrong thinking he was safe in church and the policemen followed them in. All heads were turned to see what the commotion was about.
“Hang on pal you can’t come in here. This is a wedding” Oz and the lads were stood half way down the aisle.
“Can’t we, watch us” As the police and Dennis approached from end Bomber and Neville approached from the other “What’s going on here?”
“I have reason to believe that these gentlemen made a forcible entry into someone’s house” Neville looked at Oz, “You broke into someones house? Who’s?”
“Yours”
“What do you mean mine?”
“We couldn’t remember the name of the church and I didn’t have my invitation on us and your house was nearest and........well you know, you can work it out”
“So in the meantime there’s probably some real burglars helping themselves to my tv and video”
“Will you be pressing charges against these gentlemen sir?” asked the policeman, “Don’t worry, we’ll make your place safe”
“No, but let me think about it” The rousing sound of the organ playing ‘Here comes the bride’ reminded everyone that they were at a wedding and satisfied that no crime had been committed the policemen left wishing the bride all the best as they left. The look of exasperation she gave Oz told him that if the police were here then it was all his fault. She was right, but wasn’t to know at the time. Paul laughed as Oz sat beside him knowing the earbashing Oz was in for when the ceremony was over. Oz decided not to go through with the lost ring routine, not wanting to fan the flames of scorn the bride felt for him at the moment. However, later on when Oz related the story of the whole days events to the bride and groom, she saw the funny side to it all. Paul told him not to worry about a present and that them all turning up was good enough. And what a story they’d have to tell after it was all captured on video tape.

The following day before leaving for the site, the lads called round to Mr and Mrs Paul Armlong to wish them all the best. “I’m glad you called round, we seem to have two cards from you guys”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, we opened a gift from my cousin Tony which was a vacuum cleaner. When we opened the box, nice gift by the way, we found a card from you guys inside”
“That’s our cleaner, that was our gift” said Bomber.
“Where does this Tony live?” asked Dennis.
“Leave him to me Den, I’ll get him to pay for repairs and damages. At least I got your gift”
“And tell him I want my tapes back!”
“Didn’t he play in goal for us as kids?” enquired Oz.
“That’s him. You remember him?”
“Aye, you’d better make sure it still works ‘cause he’s probably dropped it a dozen times”

Back to main