The Birthday

By Kevin McCormick

On a building site somewhere in England a group of builders are gathered. this is no ordinary bunch of builders. they are a group who have been through thick and thin together, have rallied round when things have been tough and have got drunk together in celebration of good news. Fate has once again thrown together the magnificent seven and we join them just as the hooter goes for lunch...
"Ok you lot listen to me" said Dennis. "C'mon Neville hurry up before Bomber gets here. Oi Wayne, WAYNE"
"He can't hear you Den. he's got that stupid Walkman in again" said Barry.
Picking up half a brick Oz said "leave it to me, I'll get his attention"
"Don't be stupid Oz man, you'll kill him"
"Don't worry, I'll aim for his groin. Should keep him out of trouble for a while"
"I'll get him" said Moxey, a groin strike could be devastating to someone with his sexual appetite. I think he'd rather lose a limb than have his tackle deformed"
"Ok. Now tomorrow it's Bombers birthday and he's not going home this weekend as his out-laws are coming for the weekend, so I was wondering if any of you had any suggestions for a day out?"
"Well I reckon we go out and get pissed" said Oz.
"We do that every night" replied Neville, "I think Dennis was thinking of something different"
"It just so happens that I've been giving some thought to what to do tomorrow. There's a race meeting on down the road, I know this as one of the other chippies was telling me about this red hot tip he'd been given" said Wayne.
"Oh, you're back with us now are you? Well thats one suggestion. Any others?"
"Why go the races and lose all your dough? Might as well just sling it down the drain" said Oz.
"Well" replied Wayne "you've got entertainment, beer and a better class of the opposite sex"
"I might have known sex would come into it" said Neville.
"Makes the world go round. Ok any takers?" asked Wayne.
"Count me in" said Moxy.
"Sounds like a good change to me" added Dennis.
"Go on, count me in. But I'm only there for the beer and women. Gambling's a mugs game" said Oz.
"Well you know my stand on gambling" said Barry. "Did I ever tell you about my cousin....."
"Barry, no one gives a toss about your cousin, or your mother or your pet cat" said Oz.
"What about you Nev. You up for it?"
"Aye why not. As Den said it'll make a change from smoke filled pubs and snooker halls" replied Neville.
"C'mon Barry, the Magnificent Six doesn't sound right" pleaded Wayne, "and this red hot tip I've been given is called Ping Pong"
"Count me in" said Barry.
"Well that's settled then, a day at the races it is. When Bomber gets back I'll tell him" said Dennis. "In the meantime I'm having a pie, I'm starving"

The following day the guys are gathered in the bar of the Red Lion each studying the form of the days runners.
"What time's the taxis arriving Den" asked Oz.
"In another fifteen minutes" replied Dennis.
"Time for another then. Seven more pints whne you're ready and seven pickled eggs" said Oz.
"What! Pickled eggs! What are you ordering them for?" asked Moxy.
"Need to put a lining on your stomach before a big session" said Oz.
"Not for me Oz. Eggs play havoc with Bombers guts"
"Me either"
"Or me"
"Well just one pickled egg then. Just thinking of your welfare" said Oz.
"I'll just wonder about the welfare of the ones sharing your cab when the wind section starts tooting" laughed Wayne.
The lads went back to their papers and were soon bound for the race track.
Upon arriving they paid their admission then, true to form, made their way to the naerest bar.
"Your shout I think Nev" said Oz.
"Ok, seven pints is it?" asked Neville.
"What, you really need to ask? You and Moxy get the beer and we'll find a spot outside" said Oz.
While they're outside Barry asked "what race is Ping Pong in again"
"The seventh. It's paying twenty five to one in the paper. How reliable is this tip?" asked Dennis.
"Well they said put everything you've got on it including the house, the car and even your wife" replied Wayne.
"Ok then, lets put fifty each on it" said Oz.
"What!" spluttered Barry, "Fifty! No way, I'll go a couple of quid"
"C'mon Barry man. For once in your life let your hair down" said Oz.
Hey, fifty is a bit much considering it's only a tip and an outsider at that. Lets go twenty five each, I'm sure we can all afford that" said Dennis.
After some deliberating they all agree, some reluctantly, to go twenty five each.

When the race eventually does come round winners and losers alike hand their money to Wayne to put the bet on whilst Moxy and Barry make one of their frequent trips to the bar.
"This had better win London or else you can pay for the beer for the rest of the night" said Oz.
"If it's as good as they say it is it'll be champagne and caviar for supper" replied Wayne.
"A vindaloo and a carafe of the cheap house white will do for me" said Bomber, "don't want any of that posh crap"
"Nothing wrong with a bit of cordoe bleu cuisine every now and then" said Wayne walking away.
"I suppose it's croissants and quail eggs for breakfast at your house every morning is it" shouted Oz.
"Knowing Wayne it's probably been a while since he had breakfast at his own place. Probably done a runner most mornings before the husband of his latest exploit comes home off nights" said Neville. Barry and Moxy returned with the beer and the apprehension among the group is soon replacedby hope and optimism, and wild expectations should the horse win.
"It's twenty to one now. That means there's some money going on it" said Moxy.
"Wonder what price Wayne got?" said Neville.
"I wonder where he is, should be back by now" said Dennis.
"Probably chatting up a piece of skirt. You know what he's like" said Oz.
"Look, the horses are going behind. They'll be off in a couple of minutes" said Moxy. Just then up strolled Wayne sporting the grin of a Cheshire cat. "The bet's onlads. Put it on with that geezer over there, Peter Anderson Betting. Got twenty five to one too. Just spotted a nice bit of crumpet so I'm off to do the biz"
"Don't go too far just in case miracles do happen" said Oz.
"If he got twenty five to one that means we stand to win er..." pondered Neville.
"Six hundred and twenty five pounds each" finished Moxy. Oz's eyes widened with realization, then said "here, give us that ticket. Wouldn't want you to lose it"
"Don't trust me more like" said Wayne handing the ticket over before departing.

Soon the horses are under starters orders, and after raising the white flag the horses are released from their stalls. Round they go the far side coming to the bend to bring them into the straight.
"Which one's ours?" asked Neville.
"The one in red and white hoops, it's second at the moment. Go on" yelled Oz.
"We've got a chance here Dennis" said Neville.
"He's in the lead. GO ON. Never thought I'd say this but if this wins I'll kiss Wayne"said Oz.
"GO, GO, GO" boomed Bomber.
"Yes" they all cheered at once as Ping Pong went past the post first by a length. All that is except for Barry who is lay faint on the floor.
"Someone had better give him the kiss of life" said Dennis.
"Sod that, I'll piss on him" said Oz.
"Ok lads, the champer's on Bomber" he said.
So for the next ten minutes or so it was champagne and meat pies, everyone congratulating each other. "Happy birthday Bomber" said Barry.
"To Wayne" said Dennis raising his glass "and his red hot tip"
"To Wayne" chorused the others.
"Off you go Oz, go and pick up the winnings" said Bomber, so off he goes and after ten minutes returns with a face like thunder. "Can't find him"
"Who?" asked Dennis.
"This guy, this whats his name, the bookie man" said Oz. So began a frantic search to find the bookie but all they found was a cheerful Wayne. "Where you lot been. I've been looking for you. What did I tell you eh,eh?"
"I wouldn't get too excited if I were you. The bookie's done a runner" said Dennis.
"I'm getting a sense of deja vu here" said Oz. "First off I couldn't claim the Spanish money, now this"
"I knew this was too good to be true" said Neville.
"I know what you mean Nev. Always said gambling was no good. Should've listened to my cousins advice" said Barry.
"What should we do then? Scout the bars and hotels looking for him" asked Neville.
"Hopeless task that is. There's hundreds of them round here" said Oz . "I'm off, I've had enough of this"
"Well I'll see you back at the Red Lion. I've pulled and in about twenty minutes she'll be expecting me. Just got to get a bottle of plonk then it's a night of sexual pleasures in room sixteen of the Overlander Hotel" said Wayne, "so it's not all bad news is it"
"Piss off" chorused everyone
"Hope you get the clap and your balls fall off" said Oz
Back at the Red Lion it was a sombre affair with every one talking about what might have been. "I was planning to go for a rub and tug at the brothel" said Oz, "with two blondes with huge tits" he added.
"Yeah well you'll have to spend the night here with us instead" said Dennis.
"Look, it's no good us crying in our beer. Lets go for a curry" said Bomber.
"Good idea" said Barry. "We'll just finish these then we'll go"
"If I ever get hold of the bastard I'll kill him" said Oz. "In fact I'm going to every race meeting within a hundred mile radius. I'll soon come across him again" While Oz was telling everyone what he was going to do with this guys genetalia if he ever bumped into him again the pub phone rang. "Is there a Dennis Patterson in here?" she called.
"Here pet" said Dennis.
"It's for you" Dennis took the receiver, "Hello, yes..., you're kidding me..., stay there, we're on our way"
"What is it Den?" asked Neville.
"Drink up lads, we're off to the Overlander Hotel. Wayne's sat at the bar there and not three feet away from him is our friend the bookie" said Dennis.
"Right, you order the taxis Dennis, and I'll order the ambulance" said Oz.
"Let's not be hasty" said Bomber. "If he pays us what he owes then all well and good. If not then...."
"I'll cut his bollocks off and feed them to him" finished Oz.

The boys entered the bar of the Overlander, straight away spotting Wayne at the bar. Wayne pointed to a table adjacent to the gents toilets. There was a middle aged, slightly balding man sitting by himself sweating profusely and watching the news on the TV. They made their way over to Wayne who ordered them drinks.
"Right, I'll sort this out" said Oz.
"Wait a minute, we know what your sorting out means. If you injure him we'll never see our cash. Give Bomber the ticket. Ok Bomb, now you and Wayne go over to him and use some gentle persuasion" said Dennis. They went over to the table, sat down then struck up a conversation with the bookie. It was obvious that the chat took a turn for the worse, as far as the bookie was concerned, when his face took on an ashen look. Bomber pointed over his shoulder at the other guys who in return gave the bookie daggers, He reached under the table and brought out an old, well-used bag. He opened it and started counting out the money he owed them. Bomber and Wayne bid him good evening them rejoined the lads at the bar.
"Ok, sup up and lets go" said Dennis.
"Not before I've knocked seven colours out of him first" said Oz.
"Look, you've got your money so lets leave it at that" said Dennis. So off they went leaving the embarrassed and sheepish bookie behind.
At a bar somewhere in the town Moxey asked "what was his excuse for doing a runner then Bomb?"
Apparently the bookie firm belongs to his brother-in-law, He'd been out all night at a stag do and wasn't fit to go so he volunteered to do it for him" said Bomber.
"He was having such a bad day he decided to abandon the meeting prematurely, leaving behind some unhappy punters who couldn't collect. Only he didn't reckon on D. I. Norris" finished Wayne.
"Well, what happened to that judy you picked up" asked Moxey.
"Now that one puzzles me. I thought I was really on there. When I got to the room some guy opened the door so I made a hasty retreat, went to the bar to phone for a cab and spotted our friend" said Wayne.
"Well, you may be the man of the moment but you haven't bought a round for ages. C'mon get them in" said Oz.
"Happy birthday Bomber" said Barry, and they all broke out into a chorus of Happy Birthday and got on with the celebrations.

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