The Car

By Kevin McCormick

....... the elderly victims have been traumatised by the spate of burglaries with one in particular having a mild heart attack. Police say that the suspects are believed to be local and are using a blue car. They have issued a reward of ten thousand pounds for any information leading to the arrest of the suspects. A leading senior police sergeant......

Only Barry and Bomber were watching the news report, both sat at the bar cradling a drink. The Geordies and Moxey were playing pool while Wayne had his head buried in the latest music paper.
"You know Bomb, it's a shame what's happening to the elderly these days. All the hardship they've had, like the second world war. And they had no mod cons in those days"
"Not to mention Thatcherism!" added Oz who'd approached the bar to get his drink.
"If I ever caught anyone in my home I'd have no hesitation in tearing him a new arsehole" said Bomber.
"They should all move into homes for the elderly. Safety in numbers there, three meals a day and someone to look after them if they fall" said Oz
"They shouldn't have to Oz" Wayne murmured from behind his paper. "They haven't worked all their lives to get their prized possessions stolen by a couple of pimply faced teenagers who are looking to finance their next fix"
"What I'm saying is, if there's any thought of someone ripping me off, I'd be looking for the safe option. Not to mention the bath time assistance from the care givers" smiled Oz before taking a sip of his bitter.
"I can just see some geezer giving you a bath Oz" said Wayne.
"Yeah, getting into all them little nooks and crannies" added Bomber.
"What do you mean?"
"It's not just women who work at these places" said Barry.
"Eh?"
"There's probably more men than women"
"So that's it then. I either have some juvenile taking the family jewels or some male orderly fondling the crown jewels"
"Come on Oz" called Dennis, "It's your shot"
"What priceless jewels does your family have?" asked Bomber
"My aunt's got an antique ring!"
"Yes Oz, and it's your antique ring that'll be getting some attention from Nigel the orderly" laughed Wayne. He gave Wayne a look that was both quizzical and stern then returned to the pool table where he gave the balls a good smack.
"What's up with you?" asked Dennis.
"Nothing. Just do me a favour. If I ever get old and can't look after myself, don't let the authorities put me in a home"
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want some pervert poking around where he shouldn't" "Oz man, what are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about these male care givers, praying on defenceless old men. They're worse than thieves" Dennis turned to Neville, "What's he talking about?"
"Dunno Den but when you find out, let me know" Moxey had just taken and missed his shot when he did an about turn, completely changing the subject. "Are you still looking to buy a car Oz?"
"What's that got to do with old peoples' homes?"
"Nothing. Just wondering. You know young Patrick, the plasterer? He's selling his car. Cheap too. Says he wants some cash quickly"
"He's got the Sierra hasn't he?" enquired Dennis.
"Hey, not a bad car too, from the outside" said Neville.
"How much does he want?" asked Oz
"Don't know. Have a word with him tomorrow and find out"
"Well that answers one question. If you buy a car you'll never see old age the way you drive" remarked Dennis.
Oz smirked at him, "Just take your shot will you, this game's been going on for ages"

At morning tea the following day Oz made his way over to the side roads where the site workers parked their cars. He sought out the Sierra and began an inspection of it, circling it and kicking each tyre as he passed. Cupping his hands over his eyes he peered inside to check out the interior. He was looking for some kind of fault, some ammunition to hit back with when the haggling over price began. The car looked great and his only bargaining tool seemed to be the fact he was looking for a quick sale. Even then he didn't think that he'd be able to afford it. Still, worth a go he thought.
Before returning to his bricks, he found Moxey and told him to pass on the message that he was interested in the car and that he would meet Patrick for a test drive at dinner time.

When dinner time arrived, Oz and Bomber were giving the car the once over waiting for Patrick to arrive.
"Looks good Oz. Will you be able to afford it?"
"Don't know. Can you see anything wrong with it?"
"I'm no expert but everything looks ok"
"Give the door a kick, we can knock fifty quid off then"
"What do you mean we? I'm only here so that you can take me to the bank on your test drive"
"Well think of something to say, here he comes" Patrick arrived with Moxey who introduced him to Bomber and Oz.
"What do you think?" asked Patrick
"Looks ok. But so does my ex when she's got some make up on. Let's go for a ride" Patrick produced some keys, selected one and opened the drivers door. He was about to get in when Oz asked "Shouldn't I be doing the test driving" He handed Oz the keys who sat behind the wheel and adjusted the seat.
"This seat feels a bit lumpy" He leaned across and opened the doors for the others, Bomber in the front and the others in the back. "This is nice Oz" He turned to Bomber giving him a look as if to say who's side are you on. "But there's a funny smell"
"That'll be from the take away I got last night" replied Patrick. "Ok, start her up" Oz was disappointed when it started first time. He selected first gear then pulled off. The drive was good, too good for Oz's liking. When they pulled up outside the bank Bomber got out and made his way to the ATM. Oz turned to Patrick, "This is probably too good for me. I don't think I'll be able to afford it"
"That's a shame, I really could do with the cash. Still, someone will give me five hundred for it"
"How much?"
"Five hundred, that's all I want"
"OK, you've got me. What's wrong with it"
"Nothing, I just need some cash right now"
"So if I give you five hundred now, the car's mine?" Patrick nodded his head and Oz looked at Moxey to make sure he wasn't being duped. Moxey just shrugged his shoulders and Oz extended his hand. "Ok, you've got a deal. I'll get the money right now" He almost fell out the car in his haste to get to the ATM, then almost took out Bomber.
"Watch out lad. What's up, is there a bomb in there?"
"Bomber you won't believe it. Five hundred! That's all he wants"
"Must be something wrong with it for that price"
"You've been in it. Everything was ok, wasn't it?"
"As I said Oz, I'm no expert but there didn't seem anything wrong" Oz withdrew the money, got back in the car and handed the money over to Patrick. He started the motor and pulled off, making the return trip to work. Again the journey was faultless and when they pulled up he asked Patrick the same question. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong with it?"
"On my word Oz, everything's ok. You're the proud owner of an excellent motor"

That night in the pub, Oz was still going on about the car and how much of a bargain it was. "I'll be able to give you and Neville a lift in future"
"If it's anything like your last one Oz, I'd rather walk"
"I must say Den, it goes well" said Bomber.
"How much is the insurance?" asked Wayne.
"Don't know, haven't got any yet"
"Then why are you driving it?"
"Didn't hear you complaining when I gave you a lift here"
"And how long are you going to drink lemonade for?" asked Barry.
"I may use this as a chance to make a fresh start, get myself in trim"
"Missing out on a few nights bevvying won't make you fit" laughed Dennis.
"No, but it's a start. Same again everyone"
While he was at the bar, Dennis asked Bomber if everything was sound with the car.
"Honestly Den, I think he's got a bargain"
"Did he get the log book off Patrick"
"Don't know. I don't think Oz's interested in formalities"
"Well he'll have to be unless he's looking to get done"
"You'd better have a word with him Den" said Neville.
"Bollocks to him. You know what he's like, never thinking things through"
Oz returned with the drinks. "Anyone fancy a change of scenery after these?"
While most were declining, Wayne asked. "Where are you going?"
"Thought I'd try the Shakers. It's supposed to be full of totty on a Thursday"
"Count me in. What about you Bomber?"
"I fancy a change. Take your time though Oz" Unable to get anyone else to go, they finished their drinks and left. Their timing couldn't have been better. As they turned the corner to the car park Wayne pointed at Oz's car. "Isn't that someone trying to break into it?" Oz had already seen what was happening and with a shout went racing towards his car followed closely by Bomber. The would-be thief saw the two large men approaching then turned and ran. "Head him off" Oz shouted to Wayne, and while he did make a move to do just that it was only half hearted and the thief easily escaped. "Well done Linford!"
"Sorry Oz, but I'm no greyhound. Did he manage to get in?"
"No, but if I'd caught the bastard, I'd have killed him"
"Not a good sign Oz, someone pinching your car when you've only had it for a few hours"
"First chance tomorrow, I'll be insuring it. I think I'll give Shakers a miss and take it back to the digs" He got in the car, started it and before leaving rolled down the window.
"I'm sleeping in the car tonight, just in case someone else tries" Wayne and Bomber returned to the pub and told the others what had happened.

Before leaving for work, Dennis went outside their digs, found Oz's car and knocked on his window. "C'mon Oz, wake up" He rolled down his window and Dennis handed him a cup of tea. "Phworr, what time is it?"
"Time to leave for work. You can't keep doing this Oz"
"It's only until I get some insurance" Rubbing his eyes he said, "I must've got about two hours kip"
"When you get home, leave it there and come back with me"
"You must be joking. Have you seen what happens to cars on my estate?"
"Question for you Oz. Why did you buy a car?"
"I asked myself that question more than once last night and didn't come up with a soild answer"
"Well come on. We've got to get going".
Moxey approached the car. "It's still here then? I expected to come down and find you on a pile of bricks"
"Get Barry to put you an alarm in" said Dennis.
"And how much will that cost?"
"How much is peace of mind worth?" asked Dennis.

The rest of the day went without hiccup, with Oz keeping his car within sight and going through in his head the pros and cons of having an alarm. When work was finally over they all said their goodbyes and made off for their homes. Oz found Moxey and asked him "What's your plans for the weekend?"
"Nothing definite. Me and Wayne are just going to scout round, you know, play it by ear"
"Why don't you come up to Newcastle. Me mam'll put you up"
"Sounds good to me. Hang on, I'll go and find Wayne. We'll meet you at the car" Oz made his way to his car. As he opened the door, Dennis' car pulled up at the side of him. Neville had his window down and Dennis shouted across "See you in the working men's tomorrow night"
"Aye, alright. Moxey and Wayne are coming up for the weekend too so I won't be able to bring you back on Monday"
"That's a shame. Never mind, another time maybe. See ya"
Wayne and Moxey arrived with a small bag each. "So we're going to Newcastle again for a bit of action! I know a couple of ladies who won't be too displeased to see me again" said Wayne
"Just don't go bringing them back to me mam's. Ok get in"
"Wouldn't dream of it Oz. I'm sure they have their own beds which they'll only be too willing to share"
"Maybe we'll all get lucky" said Oz. "One look at this car is bound to get any woman's heart racing"
"Why, what are you going to do, walk in the pub with it tucked under your arm" said Moxey.
"He's right Oz, you need to have the patter, the right chat up lines. It's a bit like a meal. Your opening line is the entree. The rest of the bullshit you feed her is the main course. Then when the meals over you produce your keys, show her your car and there's dessert, she's all yours"
"And if you're a good boy, you'll get seconds" added Moxey. Oz stared at the pair of them, shook his head and started up the car. Just as thoughts were getting round to the evenings plans, they hit an obstacle. Thirty seconds into the journey and they had a flat.
"I don't believe this" hissed Oz. "This car has to be hexed"
"It's only a flat tyre, it'll only take five minutes to change" They all got out and stood around the offending wheel, inspecting it. Oz opened the boot, pulled out the bags, then lifted the cover on the spare. He took it out along with the jack and brace and just in case, the small satchel with the other tools in.
"Doesn't look like it's been used" Moxey commented on the condition of the spare. As predicted, it didn't take long to change. They wouldn't qualify as pit members for McLaren, but not bad at all. Oz returned everything to the boot then got back in the car, ready for the off. The small satchel of tools was still in his pocket. He pulled it out and threw in on the back seat next to Wayne.
"Oz, you'd better stop" said Wayne.
"What's up now!?"
"You'd better have a look at this" Adjusting his rear view mirror to see Wayne, he looked at what he was holding up and brought the car to a halt. Again they all got out the car and began to inspect the contents of the satchel.
"This isn't your average Ratners jewellry Oz. This is old, hand made and very expensive" said Wayne. "I'd say probably antique" They were all looking at a dozen or so items of jewellry. Rings, bracelets and what seemed like a solid gold brooch.
"You know what I think?" said Wayne.
"Sell it, share it three ways and we'll make a bob or two" answered Moxey.
"What do you mean three ways? It's my car, my jewellry so my gain" said Oz.
"Don't you see, this is probably some of the stuff knocked off by them blokes on TV recently. You won't be able to sell this Oz, they'll be on to you straight away"
"I know a few people who'll buy it in Newcastle"
"But will you get ten thousand for it?" asked Wayne. "Think about it. There's a reward for information leading to the arrest of the culprit or culprits"
"So what are you saying Wayne?"
"This guy who sold you the car, Patrick, he's obviously in on it. We'll stay here for the weekend, do a bit of snooping around and see what we can come up with. Try and catch him at it"
"You mean like private eyes?" Oz sounded keen.
"Why don't we just give it to the police and tell them about Patrick" Moxey wasn't convinced.
"All we'll be doing is giving them the jewellry back and some information. Not enough to get the reward"
"Right, I'm with you. Ok lets solve this puzzle"
"Where does Patrick live?" The two of them looked at Moxey. Moxey shrugged his shoulders. "All that I know is that he's still with his parents"
"Ok DI Norris, what now?"
Wayne thought for a minute. "Check in the car, see if he's left anything behind with an address on" Oz made for the glove compartment while Moxey checked the door pockets and under seats. The whole glove compartment was choc-a-block full of crap. Oz was going through it all carefully, thinking he'd drawn a blank when he came across a phone number. "It could be someone who knows him"
"Let's try it" Driving around the corner they found a phone box. They all crammed into it and Wayne dialled the number. He pointed excitedly at the receiver indicating someone was answering. "Hello....oh hello, my name's Wayne, I'm trying to get hold of Patrick. Could you help me?".......that would be terrific, just a minute" He made a scribbling sign indicating he wanted a pen. Oz obliged and watched as Wayne wrote down an address and a phone number on the palm of his hand. "Old girl friend" said Wayne. "Sounded nice too".
Oz took a piece of paper out of his pocket and gave it to Wayne telling him to put the address on it.
"What now?" asked Moxey.
"Now we go to the address and wait"
"For what?"
"Not sure, see who comes and goes, any likely suspects"
"You mean I've got to spend another night in this car" moaned Oz.
"It's up to you. Do you want the ten grand or not?"
"Come on then, let's catch some crooks" Wayne and Moxey smiled at Oz. They all got into the car and made for their destination.

"How long have we been sat here?" Oz was already starting to get impatient. They'd found the address and were sat a hundred or so metres down the road watching and waiting for any activity.
"About forty minutes" was the reply.
"I can't sit here all night waiting for something to happen" As he was talking, a small van with the logo 'Andys Window & Gutter Cleaning Services' passed by and pulled up outside the house they were watching. The driver got out, walked up the garden path and let himself in.
"Must be Patrick's brother. I know he's got at least one" commented Moxey.
"Is anyone thinking what I'm thinking?" They turned to Wayne. "I'd say that Patrick's brother is using his business to snoop into peoples homes then they're going back to lift the gear"
"Sounds plausible enough. We just need to know when they're going to strike next"
"I've just remembered something else. A witness reported seeing a blue car leave one of the scenes. This must be the car. No wonder he wanted to get rid of it sharpish. Obviously forgot he'd left a little something behind. It was probably him who was trying to get into your car the other night"
"Or his brother"
Wayne continued, "I suggest Moxey rings Patrick up, ask him if he fancies going for a drink. Let's see if he has something else planned" They agreed to this and Moxey got out the car to search for a phone box. "I hope you're right about this Wayne"
"So do I. I didn't envisage spending the night with you Oz!"

When Moxey returned, he had the news which they'd hoped he'd have. "He can't come out to play, him and his brother have a prior engagement. Reckons he's free tomorrow night though"
"Well when they go out to play, I think we should follow them" said Oz. He rubbed his stomach. "Anyone hungry?" They all were. Oz said he needed to stretch his legs so he'd bring back pizza or something. "Get some drinks as well" called Moxey.
When Oz returned, Mox
ey and Wayne were just about ready to send out the search party. "No take away places round here for miles" gasped Oz. He handed them a pizza carton and got in the car.
"Bollocks, you've been for a pint. I can smell it"
"I had to call in to find out where the nearest pizza parlour was" Moxey grabbed the box off Wayne. "Stop arguing you two. I'm starving" and began eating the pizza. Things were quiet for five minutes while they ate. Oz took three cans of Fanta out of a bag and handed them one each.
Throughout the feeding frenzy they all had their eyes trained on the house in question. Nothing happened, no one stirred, not until about eleven thirty that night.

Oz was asleep in the drivers seat and Moxey was almost at full stretch in the back when there was activity. Two people emerged from the house and made their way to a red Peugeot. Wayne elbowed Oz in the ribs and murmered "Very clever"
"What... wha....who's clever?"
"They've sold the blue car and got a red one, the opposite of what the police are looking for. Ok Oz, start her up and lets follow them" Quickly coming to his senses he started the car and like most good cop shows, followed at a safe distance. Unlike most cop shows he stayed with them until they reached their destination without once being caught by a red light or a reversing truck around a tight bend.
"Not too close" Wayne said, "Just pull in here" They sat waiting for the occupants of the Peugeot to make a move. Eventually they did, both dashing down the side of a large house on the opposite side of the road and both wearing balaklavas. Oz took control. "Moxey, you follow me, Wayne knock at that house over there with the light on and phone the police then let their tyres down"
They each went about their tasks and in no time at all the faint wailing of a police siren could be heard in the distance. Moxey and Oz were crouched either side of the drive waiting for the offenders while Wayne was dealing to the tyres. As the sirens got louder they heard the sound of running footsteps up the drive. Like rugby fullbacks they flung themselves at the pair, missed them completely and collided head first, falling into a heap on the ground. They ran to the car only to be faced by Wayne weilding a steering lock from their own car. Immediately they turned and ran with Wayne, again slowly, chasing them. Their progress was halted by an on coming police car. They did another one eighty, had a quick look around then made for another driveway. Oz and Moxey had recovered and this time made perfect tackles on the pair, bringing them to the ground and were immediately assisted by the local constabulary. After a quick explaination, they were handcuffed and the headwear taken off to reveal Patrick and who they assumed was his brother.
"What's the story Patrick?" asked Moxey.
"Don't say anything 'til we've seen a solicitor" said Patrick's accomplice. Patrick raised his eyebrows with a rueful grin was led away. "You lot had better come to the station and make a statement" said the senior constable.
"Aye, and have the cheque ready when we get there" replied Oz.

On Wednesday the following week, a reception was held at the civic hall to present a Mr Osbourne with a cheque for ten thousand pounds. All the lads took the afternoon off work and even Major Montford went along. The mayor made a fussy speech commending Oz on his bravery and his community spirit and for bringing peace of mind to the pensioners.
Hmmm, peace of mind to the pensioners thought Oz. He approached the mic, thanked the mayor for the money and stated that he was going to donate half of it to the local home for the elderly. This brought a few gasps and a round of applause.
"Is there anything else you'd like to add Mr Osbourne?"
"Er, anyone want to buy a car?"

 

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