The Date

By Kevin McCormick

Spring in England, a time of courtship where the male of the species is always attempting to gain the attention of the female with flambouyant gestures and primeval signals. Every day in Waynes world is spring with his metaphoric chest thumping and waiting for a favourable reply. Unfortunately for others, things aren't so simple and have to use other means of attracting the females......

"Ere, Barry have you read this here?" enquired Oz.
"I've read lots of things in the paper Oz, what exactly are you refering to?" replied Barry.
"Some woman in America is sueing the Walt Disney Corporation for fifty million dollars because her kids have been traumatised after they saw the characters without their heads, you know, getting changed between shifts"
"Well that's another you can add to the 'Only In America' file" said Wayne. "She'll probably win too" he added.
"I think I'll sue Jim Henson as I saw one of the heads come off one of his Muppet thingies. Scared me half to death" said Oz mockingly.
"Can't do that Oz, he's dead" said Neville.
"So's Walt Disney!"
"Er, no, no, not strictly true" said Barry. "He's actually cryogenically frozen until they can find a cure for what killed him. Then they'll thaw him out and cure him"
"Bollocks!"
"True! Not sure if I read it somewhere or not" replied Barry. "So you see he's not strictly dead, just in a state of suspended animation, if you'll pardon the pun"
"I think this pie has just come from the cryogenic lab, it's freezing" said Dennis poking at it with his fork. "Ere Tracey, what have you done with this pie, it's freezing"
"What! Oh sorry. Give it here and I'll put it in the microwave"
"No, give us a burger instead. Nuking it makes it soggy. Another cup of tea as well please"
"Make that two" said Moxey entering the cafe. C.D's Cafe had become the regular haunt for a lot of builders at dinner time. C.D. by name and seedy by nature, the cafe couldn't be found in Egon Ronay and also seemed to find itself missing from the lists of local health inspectors. Despite it's appearance and gastronomic shortcomings, it made the best brew for miles.
"I'd stay away from the Disney pies if I was you Mox" said Oz.
"Hey?"
"Ignore him" said Tracey, "What'll it be love?"
"Sausage and chips please" He picked up the two mugs of tea and made his way over to the table. "So where've you been Mox? Dinner time's nearly over" said Bomber then rubbing his stomach said "Them sausages are all right but I'd give the gravy a miss. It's too thick to drink and too thin to plough"
Handing one mug to Dennis he sat down and said "Had to pick up a few things from the site office, some correspondence"
"What correspondence?" asked Bomber.
"Got a pen pal have you?" enquired Oz.
"No nothing like that. Anyway it's personal"
"Or to put it another way, it's something unusual and you don't want us to find out as we'll take the piss" said Wayne.
"I wouldn't say unusual, but certainly different" replied Moxey.
"All I want to know is, is it legal? asked Dennis.
"Is what legal?" asked Tracey putting Moxeys dinner in front of him.
"Look, we're not going to have the law knocking at the door of the digs if that's what you're bothered about. When I'm ready I'll tell you about it" said Moxey and began tucking into his sausage and chips. "Pass us the ketchup Nev" he whispered, "it's worse than prisons"
"Well if you're up to anything illegal then you'd better get used to it again" said Dennis. "Here I heard that. What's wrong with it?"
"What? Nothing, just fancied some ketchup"
"What, with gravy?"
"Oh, is that what it is" said Oz "I thought it was.."
"OZ!" interrupted Dennis "Look Tracey, far be it from us to tell you how to run your business don't you think you need some help. You can't do it all by yourself"
"I was coping until the building site opened. It get's really busy at dinner time"
"What you need is a casual to help at dinner time" said Neville, "And when we do eventually finish you can lay the casual off"
"Ok I'll look into it. Anyone fancy helping with the washing up?"
"We'd love to but we have work to do" They finished their cuppas and headed back to work arriving just as Major Montford was checking his watch.
"Just made it" he said.
"Very good. Could you make me one" said Oz.

That evening all the lads are having a few quiet ones in the pub, all that is except for Moxey.
"Wonder where he is?" murmered Neville.
"Probably best if we don't know" replied Bomber.
"I agree" said Dennis, "Did he say anything to you before he left Barry"
"No, but there were a few things that didn't add up. He seemed to be taking great pains over his appearance, you know, grooming and preening himself. I know this sounds crazy but it seemed like he had a date"
"What! Moxey!" exclaimed Oz. "He's too much in love with Mrs Palmer and her five daughters. Dear me, I couldn't imagine Moxey on the nest, not without paying anyway"
"If he is on a date then good luck to him I say" mumbled Wayne.
"What's up with you tonight? You've been quieter than a gnats fart" said Oz.
"Just a bit pissed off that's all. Supposed to see this bird again tonight but she cancelled at the last minute" said Wayne.
"Well instead of sitting there moping why don't you get a round in" said Oz. "There's six glasses on this table and five of them are empty!"
"Sorry lads, I planned on breaking my duck with this one. I was just thinking about what might have been"
"It's not like she's the only trout in the lake" said Oz, "I'm sure before the end of the night you'll be having a go at Patty behind the bar" Wayne took a look at her, shuddered then said "I couldn't drink that amount of beer"
"Well c'mon lad, do as Oz said and get the beer in" said Bomber.
"I will but promise me one thing. If my testosterone starts to get the better of me and you see me going to the bar voluntarily instead of being asked, pick me up and throw me in a cab"
"Aye,ok" said Bomber.
"But let him get the beer first" said Oz.

Back at the site the following day the lads were still discussing the clandestine activity of Moxey, with the intrigue being increased by the fact he didn't sleep in his own bed that night. In fact he arrived back at the digs just as everyone was leaving for work. "I'll be with you in ten minutes" he said then disappeared inside to get changed.
Dinnertime couldn't come soon enough for the curious lads, and as the hooter went there was a mini stampede to C.D's to find out about Moxey's new pastime.
"Seven cups of tea when you're ready" said Neville.
"Not eating today?" asked Tracey.
"Haven't decided yet, give us five minutes. Could you bring the teas over?"
"Yeah, no worries" Neville took his place at the table occupied by the others and there they sat like a mini jury awaiting the appearance of Moxey. No one said anything, all were focused on the door which now had a 'Help Wanted' sign. They didn't have long to wait and when he walked in he didn't seem to notice that he was the centre of attention.
"Over here Mox" said Dennis. "We've got you a cuppa". Moxey sat at the table and was immediately bombarded by questions.
"Word up Mox" said Wayne, "And don't tell us you went to see a man about a dog" "Actually I did, a greyhound"
"Bullshit! You looked like you'd just walked out of Burtons window when we saw you this morning. Hardly recognised you" said Oz.
"I'll take that as a compliment. You know it's not all flat caps and tweed coats in the greyhound business"
"Maybe, but you don't stay out all night looking for dogs, of the four legged kind that is" said Dennis.
Moxey smiled then said "Ok, look. I went out on a date"
"But who with? You don't know anyone"
"I went through an agency in the paper, thats what all the correspondence was"
"How many replies did you get?" asked Bomber.
"Twenty-seven in three days."
"Twenty-seven!" exclaimed Oz. "You obviously didn't send a photograph"
"Thanks Oz, that's definitely not a compliment. There's probably more but I used the sites' P O box and Major Montford bollocked me for it. Said I'm to stop immediately and any more mail for me will go straight into the bin. I'm not bothered though cause twenty-seven is enough for me"
"Didn't realise there were that many desperate women out there" said Oz.
"My sister meets lots of men through them agencies" said Tracey who had eavesdropped on the conversation. "Saves time and effort going out and looking for Mr Right"
"So I take it you arranged to meet one of them last night?" Bomber asked Moxey
"Yeah. Very nice too. Went the movies, had some supper then went to her place for a night cap. We just talked and before I knew it it was three in the morning so she gave me a blanket and told me to kip there on the couch"
"Did you throw a leg over?" asked Wayne. This was the question everyone wanted an answer to.
"Wayne, don't ask that" said Tracey spoiling it.
"Are you going to see her again?" asked Dennis.
"Hope so, I left my tie behind in my rush to get away this morning"
"A tie. Do you know how to fasten one?" asked Oz.
"Actually the last time I wore one was at school so I was a bit rusty. But Angela did a good job on it"
"So that's her name is it?" asked Barry.
"Yep. So that's it then. I've got a date, don't know how long it'll last, we'll have to wait and see"
"See if she's got a sister for Wayne will you" said Dennis, "Looks like he needs some help finding a solid date"
"She has got a sister. Maybe we can double up"
"T'riffic" said Wayne mockingly.
"Well that's not very nice is it Wayne" said Oz "You should be more appreciative" He turned to Moxey and said "What's she like this sister"
"Dunno" said Moxey. "All I know is she's young, blonde and has her own business"
"Own business eh? Probably a hairdresser" said Oz.
"Or maybe a builder, then you could go and work for her"
"Find out if she's available Mox and wants to meet a real man"
"Will do. Now are we going to eat or not?"
After his next date with Angela, Moxey made his late appearance at the site which hadn't gone unnoticed by Montford. "Keep this up and you'll be working somewhere else"
"Sorry" he replied and got to work. He was soon visited by Oz, wide eyed in anticipation.
"Well, did you ask?"
"Yes, and I'll find out when I ring her this afternoon"
"Did you find out anything else about her?"
"No not really, I didn't ask"
"And what do I talk about when I first meet her?"
"Anything but merchant banking"
"What?"
"Well Angela thinks I'm a merchant banker and I've told her you're my colleague"
"You know at first I had a feeling that you'd spun some kind of story. Then I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Does she suspect anything?"
"Don't think so. She found some plaster in my hair last night. I told her I'd been looking at some new buildings that were being renovated"
"And what if merchant banking comes into the conversation? What do I know about it"
"Just say what I said, you don't really want to talk about work" Oz looked at him, said "Let's do it. I'd better get back to work" and left.

Oz was sat in Moxey's room at the lodgings they were using waiting for him to come back from his call. Wayne popped his head around the door and asked "Any word yet?"
"No not yet. Put the kettle on will you, I'm belching dust" He filled up the kettle and was preparing the cups when Moxey returned.
"Want one?" he asked pointing at the cups.
"Yeah, great" Turning to Oz he said "Ok Oz, we're on for tonight. We're meeting them at the Sicilian"
"Oh not Italian. Don't care for Italian. Always reminds me of Marge"
"It was their idea, not mine"
"In that case I'd better start getting myself ready if I'm to look like a banker"
"A what?" asked Wayne.
"Er, nothing. Just want to look presentable I mean. Forget the tea Wayne, I'm going for a shower. I hope Barry's finished in there"
"Give us a shout when you've finished Oz" said Moxey. "Table's booked for seven thirty"
Wayne looked at Moxey and asked "And who are you going as, Clark Kent?" Without answering, Moxey left the room and waited for the shower to become vacant.

As Oz and Moxey were leaving for their romantic rendezvous at the Sicilian, the rest of the lads had decided on having pizza. They were sat in one of the booths tucking into a Super Supreme when Wayne said "Do you remember that blind date I took Oz on in Germany and he pretended he was some building contractor?"
"With Ullie you mean" said Bomber "Don't really remember her face but them hands or hers were magic"
"Well I think he's putting on some kind of pretence again. In fact I think they're both in on it. He said something about looking like a banker"
"You sure he said banker?"
"Well I thought twice about it but yes, sure. If they're playing games then they'll get found out" said Wayne. "It's ok one doing it but with two people there they'll end up confusing each other"
"Wayne's right" said Barry, "Unless they get a watertight story together they'll have blown it before you can say tagliatelli"
"Can't say it anyway" said Bomber.
"Whatever happens, I'm looking forward to the tale tomorrow" said Neville. What he didn't realise was that he wouldn't have to wait until the following day.

Moxey and Oz arrived at the restaurant just after seven thirty having decided to walk there and get their story right. They entered and walked up to the reception where there was a bell to attract the attention of the attendant. Moxey pointed to a table in a far corner where an attractive lady was in conversation with who they assumed was her sister.
"That's Angela" said Moxey. Oz was about to compliment her when he suddenly grabbed Moxey's arm and pulled him down into a squat. "What's wrong with you?" he asked.
"Have you seen who her sister is?"
"No"
"Then you'd better have a peep over the counter" He popped his eyes over the counter, dropped down then had another look. "I don't believe it" Angela's sister turned out to be Tracey from C.D's. "She's scrubbed up well hasn't she" said Moxey.
"Yes, and she's expecting a merchant banker, not some tosser from the site. C'mon, let's get out of here" and they both turned and crawled out on their hands and knees. "So what now" asked Moxey.
"What we do is go to a pub, have a few drinks and make up another cock and bull story about our evening out"
"I'll have to think of some excuse too for Angela as to why we didn't show up"
"You must be joking. And what if you turn up at her place and Tracey's there. I'm surprised your cover hasn't been blown already. The best thing you can do is forget about her and try your story on one of your other twenty six replies, only this time leave me out of it"
"It was your idea to meet the sister Oz"
"But I didn't think I was going to have to play charades. Come on let's get a drink"

Later that evening they walked into their local where they met up with the others and proceeded to give them their fabricated story.
"So will you be seeing her again?" asked Neville.
"Don't think so Nev. Not really my sort"
"So what business does she have?"
"Oh, hairdressing, like I suspected"
"And did you give her any advice?" asked Wayne
"Eh? No. What on?"
"Never mind. If she's not your sort then maybe she'll be mine. Take me next time Mox" said Wayne.
"I don't think so as I don't think I'll be seeing Angela again either"
"Doesn't sound like any of you had a good night" said Bomber.
"That's the thing with blind dates they're like eating Revels at the movies. You don't know if you're going to get the nice orange one or the horrible coffee one until you try it if you know what I mean"
"So what you're saying is your date was a coffee Revel"
"Metaphorically, yes" then trying to change the subject said "My round is it?" and went to the bar followed closely by Moxey.
"I think we got away with it Mox. Just keep changing the subject when they mention anything"
"I don't know how much longer I can keep making up stories"
"Let me give you a little incentive. If they find out I'll stuff you in the cement mixer and use you as mortar"

The following day was a continuation of questions about the date. Oz suspected that they suspected something but continued with the story. At dinner time he was deliberating whether or not to join the others fearing more questions. By the time he'd made his mind up to go he got there as Tracey was taking orders from the lads. He noticed Moxey wasn't there and had probably taken Oz's initial instinct. Before sitting he went to take a quick leak.
"...so we sat there 'til gone nine o'clock and they didn't show" said Tracey "I was looking forward to meeting him too" No one was really paying much attention to her. Then she said "Apparently he's a merchant banker" This statement grabbed everyone's attention. They all looked at each other and burst out laughing. "It's not funny you know. Two bottles of wine we drank, me and my sister. My head's still thumping. I don't usually drink"
"Where was this at?" asked Neville
"The Sicilian" she said amid new roars of laughter.
Just then Oz joined them and asked what the big joke was.
"Oh, nothing Oz" said Dennis. "Come on, let's order. Six teas please"
"I wonder what merchant bankers drink?" asked Neville
"I believe they need lots of coffee to keep them awake at their boring jobs" said Bomber "But they hate coffee Revels" said Barry and they all broke out laughing again.
"Oz, how could you stand Tracey up like that" whispered Dennis. Oz stood up and shouted "It's Moxey isn't it? He's spilled the beans. Just wait 'til I get hold of him" and ran out of the cafe to go in search of an innocent Moxey.
"What's up with Oz?" asked Tracey bringing their teas to the table.
"Don't worry about him. Just a bit too much caffeine in his blood I think"

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