The Heist

Christmas Special

By Kevin McCormick

Christmas, a time when everyone is looking forward to spending some quality time with family, a break from the everyday rigors of work and when the Barrys of this world start to panic because.......

"I'm not going for a drink after work Oz because tomorrow is the first of December and I haven't bought a pigging thing yet. It only seems two minutes ago that it was Easter"
"Ah, don't fret man, there's plenty of time" replied Oz.
"No, no there isn't Oz, there's, there's........ only twenty four days left"
"See, loads of time. Anyway it's easy, socks and undies for the males and perfume for the females"
Dennis was shaking his head "Oz, you've only got your mam and Rod to buy for and if you don't get a move on, you won't get it to Italy on time" Oz thought about it for a minute then said "Aye, you've got a point there"
"I'm with Barry" said Bomber, "I think I'll do some shopping tonight and get most of it out of the way"
"Yeah, I agree" said Neville.
"You can count me out 'cause I've already done mine" said Wayne lighting a cigarette.
"No way London, if I've got to go then you're going too. And besides we'll need as many cars as possible for Santa Claus over there to put all his presents into" He was pointing at Barry.
"That's right Oz you mock. I may just cross you off my list"
"What list?"
"My presents list" Looking genuinely surprised Oz said "You mean you was going to buy me something?"
"Oh, yeah yeah. From what I've seen, some new socks and undies wouldn't go amiss. More holes than a blimmin' golf course"

They entered the local mall and it wasn't long before Oz got bored. His incessant complaining prompted them to postpone the shopping, all except for Barry that is who was adamant on getting at least some of it done. They decided to find a cafe and get something to eat, passing the grotto as they did. They stopped to look at the display and seeing the despondent look on the childrens faces, noticed that Santa wasn't there. A notice declared that due to ill health Santa was going to be away for a few days. The young children, who were a little perturbed should Santa not make a recovery in time for Christmas, were being comforted by their parents, assuring them that all would be well.
"I hate to see sad kids I do" said Bomber as they watched a young girl being taken away.
"It's not good for charity either" commented a lady beside him. Bomber turned to look at her. "What do you mean?"
"The photographs we sell of the kids with Santa, the proceeds go to charity. Believe it or not, we can't get a replacement until next Monday"
"That's a shame"
"Come on, let's go" Oz was getting impatient and headed for the cafe beside the grotto. The others followed except for Bomber who was deep in conversation with the lady who turned out to be the head of the local childrens home. When he'd finished he bought himself some tea and joined the others sporting a big smile.
"What's so funny Bomb?" asked Neville.
"I've just volunteered to be Santa for the weekend" he replied.
"What!" Oz almost choked on his chips.
"It's heart breaking to see the kids sad at this time of year so I volunteered to do it"
"It's very commendable of you Bomber but what will Patsy say" said Moxey.
"I know we were only shopping for half a hour but I was glad when Oz started to complain. And that's what Patsy will have planned for the weekend so I'll tell her I'm doing some overtime. She'll be disappointed but she'll get over it, and hopefully get most of the shopping done too"
"Ere, maybe you could have Den as one of your elves" laughed Oz.
"And you'll be RudOz, the bloody nosed reindeer" replied Dennis.
"Oh and you're going to do it are you?"
"Maybe"
"Ha! You and who's step ladder"
"Lads, lads, hush" Neville had his finger against his lips to help reinforce his plea for quiet. He leaned into the middle of the table and whispered "I think the blokes behind us are planning a raid on the jewellers" The six of them were crammed into a booth. Neville was between Oz and Moxey with their backs to the booth behind them and as he finished whispering they all leaned back to eavesdrop on what they were saying.
Wayne was smiling, "No one discusses jeweller raids in the middle of Sayers" but no one was listening to him. Bomber was trying to get a look at the people in the booth while at the same time look inconspicuous. All he could really see though was the tops of heads, one of which was grey haired and the other bald. The men in the booth behind started to rise prompting Neville, Oz and Moxey to lean forward as one, all wide eyed. "It's tomorrow, they're doing it tomorrow" hissed Moxey. The three men left giving Bomber, Dennis and Wayne a chance to have a quick look at them. When they'd left the cafe they raised their tones but not enough so as to let other diners hear them.
"What time?" asked Dennis.
"Hang on, I'll ask them" replied Moxey sarcastically pretending to rise.
"They definitely said tomorrow Den. They also mentioned a getaway car and masks" said Neville.
"We should let the police know then shouldn't we?" said Wayne.
"Wait a minute, won't there be a reward if we give them info after the heist, you know, follow them and take the police to them" said Moxey.
"No, I've got a better idea, we'll ruin their heist. We wait for them, jump them, get a big pat on the back for being model citizens and a hansome reward"
This time it was Waynes turn to choke on his chips. "Oz, you're barking you are. What if they're tooled up?"
"We'll go armed ourselves. But don't you see, we've got the element of surprise on them. We can have them bundled up before you can say Timex"
"And we could be brown bread before you say Rolex" It was obvious that Oz's plan didn't appeal to Wayne.
Ignoring Wayne Oz said "Ok, does anybody else what to miss out on a share of the reward?"
"You're only assuming there's going to be a reward-" Neville didn't get to finish.
"There's always a reward. Don't you ever watch Crimestoppers?"
"Count me in" said Moxey, "We need to do something to alleviate the boredom"
"I must be mad but I agree too" said Dennis. All agreed except Wayne, but he did concede that if Barry went along with it then he would too. As if it was a cue to enter stage left, Barry entered carrying several bags.
"Ere, Barry. Do you fancy a bit of an adventure?" called Oz.
"Adventure? Yeah, bustin'" he smiled, almost as broad as the one he gave Wayne.

As Barry was spluttering and carrying on as to how he was duped into probably getting himself killed, a private detective was 'watching' the jewellers. The shop owner had become suspicious of a couple who had made a quite a few visits to his shop looking at everything from bracelets to watches to ornate tankards. They'd tried numerous engagement rings but he could tell from the body English that they weren't sweethearts planning to get married or married lovers involved in a secret affair. He'd been in the game long enough to see there was no chemistry and after rousing his suspicion he'd contacted the police who, for whatever reason, wouldn't act upon his doubts. A friend of a friend had suggested a private eye to take photographs and video footage and it just so happened that a friend of his friend was in the PI business.All at a reasonable price of course It was certainly a lot cheaper than hooking up genuine close circuit security in place of the dummy cameras he currently had. Sure, it was a gamble but if he could get through the next thirteen months without any 'unnecessary' outgoings then retirement would be that much more cosy. And so he met this guy and although he didn't match the image he'd imagined, he hired him for a couple of weeks. He was currently half reading a paper and half dozing on a bench, watching the store as the seven builders passed him to spend some time in the pub and go over their plan to foil the robbers.

A couple of pints later and Barry [and Wayne too but wouldn't admit to it] was a nervous wreck. "It's not that I'm a coward Oz but there's actually a service that deals with this sort of caper. They're called the police. And you wouldn't call the police to rewire your house would you? No, you'd call me, Barry Taylor because that's what I do. I'm a sparky, not MI5"
Wishing he hadn't said anything Oz was about to reply when Neville said "Barry, you don't have to do this. If you carry on you'll give yourself an ulcer and talk the rest of us out of it" To all he continued "Ok, Barry is officially out of it. Ok Barry?"
"Yes, but I-"
"No, no, don't say anything else. We've just become the Impressive Six, not quite magnificent but good enough" said Oz.
"Give it a rest Oz, we need to work on our plan" said Dennis.
"Right. Er, any ideas anyone?" he inquired.
"Did you see any of the people in the cafe" Moxey aimed the question at Bomber, Dennis and Wayne.
"I only got a fleeting glance but they were about our age, one had short spikey grey hair and one was bald" said Wayne.
"The other was quite tall with a pony tail" said Dennis. Nothing was said for a few minutes as they were all deep in thought. then Oz jerked his head up, "I've got it. Ok, here's what we do. Firstly we........."

The following morning, just as they were taking a meal break, the heavens opened and rain set in prompting the foreman to suspend the rest of the days work until Monday. To Oz this was seen as a sign that they were meant to do this but to Barry it was an excuse to slip away unobtrusively and maybe hear on the late news about how six good samaritans were gunned down while attempting to prevent a robbery. He knew that should the worse case scenario come true then he would be eternally grieving and grateful to his yellow streak. The adage a live coward is better than a dead hero was a maxim he held dear to his heart. And so it was as they made their way to the mall, Barry was heading for Wolverhampton.
They met up on the car park and went through Oz's plan which was fundamentally a wait and see plan, simple but hopefully effective which the simple plans usually were, or so Oz had told them. Basically Bomber would slip into his Santas uniform and watch from the grotto. Dennis and Wayne would hang around the main entrance as they had some idea of what they looked like and Oz, Neville and Moxey would wait in the cafe opposite and watch from there. When Dennis and Wayne thought they were here they would follow, waving to the others, follow them into the jewellers and jump them from behind.
Sat in the cafe brought back memories to Oz of the stakeout he, Moxey and Wayne had done after finding the jewels in his car, especially the long boring breaks waiting for something to happen.
"That bloke sat there on the bench with the silver case. Do you think he's one of them?" asked Moxey.
Neville was reading the paper and Oz was falling asleep so Moxey repeated his question.
"Which bloke Moxey?" He pointed to the man on the bench, "He's been sat there all afternoon just watching the jewellers"
"Well it looks like he's reading the paper to me Mox" said Neville.
"What about his case? I reckon it's got guns in it. And let me tell you something else, that couple looking in the shop window, that's the third time I've seen them. They've been in there twice already and come out empty handed both times. I think they are all part of the gang"
Oz finally woke up and began to take some interest. The couple entered the shop and as they did the man on the bench opened his case slightly and put his hand into it. At that exact moment Dennis and Wayne caught their eye and were pointing at three men who were heading for the jewellers at a brisk, slightly limping pace. Realising this was the hit time he jumped up racing out of the cafe quickly followed by Neville and Moxey. Bomber had been watching and just as a young boy was about to tell him what else he wanted for Christmas he saw the three run from the cafe, put the kid into his dads arms and ran to join them. He arrived as Oz leapt onto the unsuspecting private investigator, knocking him from the bench then dragging him to his feet just as quickly, snatching the case off him. They frog-marched him into the jewellery shop just as the three who Dennis and Wayne had followed began pulling out baseball bats tucked down their jeans. The couple who were watching all this unfold before them in a matter of seconds pulled out stainless steel, retractable batons with one hand and started to reach for something in their back pockets. Immediately the builders began taking out their weapons, builders trowels and hammers. One of the three, the baldie, took a swipe at Santa Bomber who dodged back before landing a sweet right on his chin sending him sprawling. The other two advanced with Dennis shouting, "All of you down on the floor and no one will get hurt"
The male of the couple continued to reach behind him prompting Oz to say "I wouldn't if I was you"
"We're police officers and this place will be surrounded in two minutes so I'd give up if I were you" and with that he fished out his warrant card from his pocket and displayed it to everyone.
"What the hell's going on here?" asked the tall guy with the ponytail.
"Police?" queried Neville. Helping the bald guy to his feet the conspirators made a run for it, successfully getting past Oz and his accomplices who were stood like statues, hands in the air.
"I think you've broken my back" wailed the private investigator.
"And who are you?" Oz asked him.
"He's a private investigator" said a voice from behind one of the counters. The shop owner stood and asked "Could someone please tell me what's going on?"
"I'm DS Platt and this is WPC Johnson. We were told that this place was going to be hit by a gang we've been trying to apprehend for some time" He turned to the builders "And you lot have bollocksed it up" The door flew open again causing the shop owner to dive for cover again and was swarmed by plain clothes police.
"Ok everybody false alarm. The jobs gone pear shaped" said DS Platt.
"So what are you playing at" said WPC Johnson.
"Ask him" said Moxey pointing to Oz, "It was his idea" Briefly he explained what their plan was, finishing with "We were after the reward"
"Reward? I should arrest you all for wasting police time. In fact-" He was cut short by his mobile ringing.
"DS Platt.......What!.......Great, stay there, we're on our way" He looked at the six forlorn builders. "You lot have just had a lucky break. Fortunately in their haste to escape, the blaggers have just crashed into someone entering the carpark so we've got them. We won't get them for this job but we have enough on them to put them away for a short spell" and with that they left.
"Well done Oz" said Dennis.
"It's not my fault"
"You know, you're right. It's mine. I should have seen this coming 'cause everything that involves you Oz turns to shit"
"Come on Den, no harm done" said Wayne.
"Yeah, lets get out of here. A couple of pints down us and we'll be laughing about it" said Bomber. They began to leave and the shop owner asked "Could I interest any of you gentlemen in a sapphire ring, this weeks special only one hundred pounds" He had no takers and as the left he decided that maybe this year was when he should retire.

In the pub the few pints they had had began to soften Dennis' ire. The mood was less oppressive to the point where Dennis was now talking again to Oz.
"I'm sorry Den, I thought it would have been a good idea, you know a bit of extra cash for Christmas"
"It's all our faults Oz, we all went along with your plan. It was just a bit of a scare that's all" Neville interrupted their conversation saying "Hey, look, it's made the news, the attempted robbery" They all watched the television listening to the reporter on location at the carpark. Behind him was the getaway car smashed into the front of the other car or as it turned out van. They all looked wide eyed.
"Is that-?"
"It looks like-"
"Can't be"
"Evening all" said a midland accent from behind them. They all turned to see Barry with a neck brace.
"Was that your van?" asked Wayne.
"Yes, looks like it'll be a write off"
"Are you ok?"
"A bit sore but I'll live"
"What happened?"
"I was on my home, in fact I was half way there then changed my mind and came back to help. As I entered the car park they just ran into me. Some sergeant told me about how some idiots almost messed things up. I guess that was you lot"
"It wasn't messed up, it just didn't go according to plan" said Oz defending himself to the end.
"Well Barry, you deserve a pint off all of us. If you hadn't crashed into them I think they would've arrested us" said Dennis.
"Yeah, we all owe you a big favour" said Wayne.
'That's handy, I'm going to need someone to take me hoime with all my gifts. Who's volunteering!"

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