The Joke

By Kevin McCormick

The Monday morning tea break has to be one of the most satisfying and welcome of all meal breaks. After spending the weekend doing the things you like best; being with family, chasing skirt, or just getting plastered, all of these good things have to come to an end. Monday morning is the reality check, the day you promise to start afresh; to give up the drink, to finally settle down, to faithfully promise, only to yourself of course, that this coming weekend you’ll get that bathroom tiled. When you do finally get through the first couple of hours, along comes the cherished Monday morning tea break. Fifteen minutes of tranquility, to ponder the future, to wonder whether the car will pass another MOT, to realise there’s a birthday coming up so a card will have to be bought. Ah yes, the Monday morning tea break. But, you know, there’s always some buffoon ready to spoil it—

"Oz man, what are you doing"? Dennis was deep in thought, going over the weekend he’d just had but was brought out of his personal reverie by a size eleven boot stomping on his size nine. Although there were plenty of places to sit, Oz wanted the seat in the corner and seemed intent on disturbing everyone. While apologising to Dennis he poured some of his coffee into Bombers lap which began a chain reaction of perturbation. Bomber jumped up, upsetting the table, with Moxey and Barry leaping back to avoid disturbed cups of tea and the same fate as Bomber, scalded groin. Barry felt the chair he was sitting on begin to topple backwards and out of reflex grabbed Neville by his arm. The bacon and egg sandwich he was just about to bite into flew from his grasp, landing on Wayne’s shoulder depositing a layer of yolk there. Oz looked at Wayne and pointing at the egg yolk said "You should wait until the parrot’s hatched before you put it on your shoulder" Six pairs of eyes were on him in mute silence. "What have I done?" he announced innocently.

"You’re a walking disaster area Oz. There should be a siren announcing your arrival" said Moxey.

"Look at my bloody shirt" Wayne was attempting to wipe the egg from it without much luck. Bomber in the meantime had his pants around his ankles and was wafting air with a newspaper onto his scalded groin. "I hope there’s no permanent damage lad"

"Sorry" He said without much feeling.

"What’s the big rush Oz?" asked Neville.

"No rush. I just don’t like to sit on the end"

Order was restored and they all got back to finishing what was left of morning tea. "Did anyone see that show on TV on Saturday night?" asked Oz amidst the rustling of newspapers. There was a collective shake of heads then Wayne asked "Which show?"

"I don’t know what it’s called but some bloke got caught out on camera you know, having his prized car wrecked before his eyes. Then some idiot walks up to him with a microphone and says surprise, it was all a big joke. Like on Candid Camera"

"I saw that, it was quite funny" said Barry, "What about his face when the steamroller went over it. Looked like my cousins face from Dudley when he found out his girlfriend was having a baby"

"That’s my point. You’ve got to be pretty dense or an idiot to fall for a stunt like that" said Oz.

"Thing is Oz you don’t get chance to think about what’s happening. You’re caught up in all the emotion" said Wayne.

"Well I think you’ve got to be stupid to fall for it" Oz stood to resume work prompting everyone to reach for cups and other objects that could do damage.

"So you wouldn’t fall for it then?" asked Dennis.

"Me! Not a chance"

Morning tea ended with the workers returning to their duties. Neville, walking along side Dennis said, "I was looking forward to that sandwich"

"Before him and Marj split up, I went round for tea once. There wasn’t a cup or plate that wasn’t chipped"

"I can believe it. He’d break an iron ball!"

"Listen Nev, I have a bit of a plan. Before we all finish tonight, we’ll get the lads together, except Oz. I have an idea"

"What idea?"

"Wait ‘til after and I’ll explain"

Late afternoon when work had finished, six of the magnificent seven were assembled near the site office with Dennis taking the floor explaining the little scheme he had. All were amused except for Neville as it meant that he’d be getting home later than usual on Friday. However, this couldn’t be missed and so agreed. There was some arranging which had to be done which Dennis said he’d do. All that was required from them was to not let on to Oz about what was happening. When he’d finished he said "Now let’s go before Oz suspects something" Leaving the site behind they went and joined Oz at the pub. He wondered where they’d been but the suggestion of a game of pool by Neville took him off the scent of anything, that’s if he had suspected anything in the first place. They helped themselves to one of the pints he’d bought which made him stop, think and say "You know, we have a policy that whoever’s first in the pub gets the round. I don’t think you’ve ever been first in London"

"There’s two reasons for that. One because I’m on the other side of the site. And two because you’re always in such a rush to get here"

"Ah well, you have to make the most of your free time" replied Oz racking the balls on the table.

The following day, before going to the site, Dennis went to the newsagents, as he did every morning. Inside he bought several papers then exchanged the usual pleasantries with the store owner, an Asian gentleman called Le from Hong Kong with very good command of the English language. In fact it was Le who had the problem understanding Dennis at times with his Geordie dialect. This particular morning after purchasing the newspapers, Dennis asked a favour of Le. He told him about his little plan he had to disparage Oz, explaining to Le what he’d like him to do. Le smiled and said "Did you know he knocked over that rack of crisps over there one day" Le pointed at the rack. "He never apologised, just paid for his Mars bar and left. It would be a pleasure to help you. I’ll get my brothers to help too"

"Excellent. I’ll give you more details when I have them"

At dinner break, Dennis didn’t go to the café. Instead he went to the site office to use a computer telling Oz he had a few important calls to make. "You don’t waste your dinner time making phone calls. Do it tonight" said Oz heading for the café.

"It’s business so I have to do it now" Before entering the office he called, "Get me a pie" Oz waved in acknowledgement.

In the office, with the secretary’s assistance, he wrote a formal looking and formal sounding letter, which would be posted to Oz. Reading the letter through when she’d finished the secretary asked "What are you up to Dennis?"

"Just a little practical joke" he replied. He popped it into an envelope and addressed it to digs they were staying at care of Oz, giving it to the secretary who said she’d put a stamp on it and post it for him. "Just remember, mum’s the word about this" He smiled and left, hoping that it would all work out.

Thursday afternoon and Oz received the bogus letter he’d been sent. As expected he fell for the contents hook, line and sinker. Dennis was in the bathroom getting ready to go out for a few pints when there was a loud and frantic knocking on the door. Dennis didn’t need to be told who was making the commotion. Five heads peered out of doorways to see Oz rapping at the bathroom door while reading the letter for the sixth time. "DENNIS!" he called "You’ve got to see this"

"What is it now Oz?" replied Dennis, continuing calmly with his shave.

"You need to see this letter"

"What is it, another letter from Marjorie’s solicitor for not paying the child support?" quizzed Dennis.

"No man, it’s good news" Dennis opened the door and Oz thrust the letter into his hand. "I knew this would happen one day" said Oz. Dennis looked at the letter and began to read what he already knew. The letter, so Oz thought, was from a Chinese talent scout who was in the area last week and noticed the features and countenance of one of the workmen on the site. The fact that this person could sing too had saved him a journey as he was on his way to some auditions, looking for someone to play the role of Buddy Holly in a Chinese production of his life story. He’s still a big hit with the Chinese community. They had to have this man and so after a visit to the foreman they got his name and address. Would it be possible to meet for dinner at the Golden Dragon this Friday at seven o’clock to discuss this.

When he’d finished reading Oz said "Well, what do you think?"

"It appears that someone appreciates your talents. You have to do this Oz, it’s the chance of a lifetime" One by one the others joined them to find out what the fuss was about. "They want me to play Buddy Holly" said Oz. "Who?" asked Neville taking the letter then passing it around. In fake awe they all wished Oz the very best, hoping it would be the start of something new.

"I won’t forget you when I’m rich and famous" he said.

"Will you change your name Oz. Oz isn’t very Oriental sounding" said Moxey.

"What for?"

"Well I thought that Wan King might be more appropriate"

Friday evening couldn’t have come soon enough for that week. All of Thursday Night and again all day Friday, Oz did nothing but talk about his meeting and sing ‘Oh Boy’. They wondered if the joke was worth it but eventually the time arrived for him to leave. He chose his clothes with more care than he normally would, even taking the time to press his suit. When done he said goodbye telling Neville, Dennis and Barry he’d see them Monday, thinking they were going home.

Arriving at the restaurant, followed by the others, he was shown to a table which was where Le, and his brothers, as he called them, Tai and Chi came into it. Le was sat, dressed in a suit and was flanked by his brothers who were dressed in traditional Chinese garb. Putting on his best Chinese accent he welcomed Oz, inviting him to sit down. He asked Oz would he like a drink and when he replied he’d like a beer, was immediately frowned upon. "No alcohol" said Le.

"Oh! I’ll have what you’re having then" A jug of water and two glasses were brought to the table. Oz was about to pour when Le abruptly said "Tai! Chi!" They poured the water while Le said to Oz "Tai Chi will look attend to our needs" The brothers picked up a glass each and held them to the mouth of Le and Oz, letting them take a sip each. When finished they dabbed the corner of their mouths with a napkin. This seemed pretty harmful to Oz but began to wonder if the whole evening was going to be like this. From the rear of the restaurant the six watched as the rest of the evenings’ events unfurled.

By now the smell of the food was making Oz hungry and he suggested that maybe they should order something. "Tai and Chi will order. We have things to discuss" This was their cue to leave and while they were gone, Le gave Oz a fabricated story about how the Chinese love Buddy Holly and how big this production was going to be. This was going to make all concerned rich and famous. Le’s brothers soon returned each carrying a small tray with several items of food on them. Oz leaned forward to help himself to some fare but again was stopped by Tai, or was it Chi? He didn’t know. Whoever, he put some rice into a bowl and some what appeared like prawns then with the aid of chopsticks began to feed Le. Le tasted and smacked his lips as if trying a fine red wine then nodded approval. Oz was then given the same treatment, fed with chopsticks then mouth wiped with a napkin after each mouthful. "I know people are watching me, I know I look stupid but think of the money" he told himself. He was hoping Le wasn’t hungry so they could end this quickly. Unfortunately Le had the hunger of a bear waking from hibernation so quickly ate everything before him. Certainly a lot quicker than Oz. Oz eventually gave up saying he couldn’t eat anymore which brought a stern look from Le and his brothers. "In my country many people starve to death. Please, you must finish" So finish he did, mouthful of food, mouth wipe, mouthful of food, mouth wipe. All the while he smiled and nodded at people in the restaurant as he had now become the centre of attention. Finally he finished and boy did he feel glad about that. He tried to make conversation with Le about the production but was stopped when Le waved his brothers over, each toting a huge sundae. And so the feeding process began. Diners in the restaurant had made phone calls to friends and relatives telling them what was happening with some even coming down to see it for themselves. By the time he’d got through the sundae, there was quite an audience. Oz had decided that the best thing to do was get through it quickly so gulped down the sundae. "That’s dessert over. Surely there can’t be anything else". From the back, the lads were just about wetting themselves. Several times they’d had to shove a napkin in their mouths to prevent a loud laugh escaping. "Watch this now" said Dennis.

Just when Oz thought things couldn’t get any worse Tai and Chi returned. Oz saw what they were carrying, closed his eyes and thought "It’ll only take a minute, just be patient." Tai and Chi took the top off a tube of toothpaste each, squeezed some onto toothbrushes and began to brush Oz and Le’s teeth. When they were done Le sat back in his chair and said "That was good yes? Now we talk business"

Oz let out a sigh of relief and said "Ok, but before we do I need to splash my boots" Le looked at him puzzled "You know, take a leak"

Le opened his eyes wide "Oh you mean syphon the serpent" It sounded funny coming from Le but he smiled and nodded. As he stood Le called his brothers over. Oz put up his hands "You’re ok. I can do this myself" But Le wouldn’t hear of it, "Tai, Chi. Go and help Mister Osbourne. He needs to irrigate the paddy field" Immediately they both took out a pair of surgeons gloves and snapped them on their hands. Despite Oz’s desire to be an entertainer this was just too much. "I am going for a piss by myself. If you don’t like that then tough"

"Mister Osbourne you will allow my assistants to help you. If not we will find ourselves another Buddy Holly. There are plenty to choose from" Then dropping his Chinese accent he continued "In fact there are six candidates behind you" Oz looked around and saw his pals, still drying tears in their eyes. Then it dawned on slowly that he’d been had. "Do you mean to tell me that this has been some kind of practical joke?"

"Well Oz, you did say that you wouldn’t fall anything like this" said Dennis.

"That’s right, you said you’d have to be pretty dense to fall for this kind of stunt" said Bomber. Oz stood for a few moments in silence, a thousand emotions going through him at once. Fortunately, his sense of humour gave way to them all and he had a good laugh.

"What do you think Oz? We had you didn’t we"

"Send me to a village and call me an idiot" he said. "Come on, let’s go and get a drink" He turned to Le and his brothers "Are you coming too?" They nodded and together they all left, talking about the evening’s events and promising Oz next time they’d get him a high chair.

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