Auf Wiedersehen, Pet
LIVE! 2

Human Shields

Written By Dick Clement and Ian LaFrenais

Performed Live at Newcastle City Hall 2002

Cast: Tim Healy (Dennis Patterson), Kevin Whatley (Neville Hope), Jimmy Nail (Leonard 'Oz' Osbourne), Mike Neville (Newscaster), Mike Elliot (Arab), Madeleine Newton (Lindsey Hallow, Irish Nurse, English Nurse)

KEY: OOV = Out of view, NAR = Narrated to audience (( )) = Sound effect or stage direction.

ACT 1

DEN (NAR): How you doing?  Good to see you back.  Hey, a funny thing happened to me and the lads a few years ago.  Now nobody knows this story, because we were forbidden to tell it.  But when we came back from abroad, these suits from MI6 made us sign the official secrets act.  No no, seriously, you see we had accquired this highly sensitive information and they told us to put the lid on it.  Said it was with Britain's best interests.  Well you've got to respect the sanctity of the nations security haven't you?  Then a couple of days later the Chronicle rang us up offered us five hundred quid.. So we said 'Bollocks'!  The year was 1990.  I was the first one to find out about the job, and I had to persuade the rest of the lads.

(ENTER NEVILLE)

NEV: What are these injections for Dennis?

DEN: Er... Hepatitus A and B, typhoid, cholera and er.. Denghi fever.

NEV: I cant believe you're taking us to a place with all them diseases!

DEN: It's just a safeguard man!

NEV: Well will there be like.. crawly things like scorpions and spiders?

DEN: Divvent fret Nev.  The snakes will take care of them.

ENGLISH NURSE (OOV): Would you bend over that chair please Mr. Osbourne

OZ (OOV): So here tell 'us Nurse.  Can you like, can you look up a person's jacksie and like.. tell their character, cos you must have seen quite a few in your time like!

ENGLISH NURSE (OOV): Too much fried food by the look of all those pimples.

((SOUND OF A INJECTION))

OZ (OOV) Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Do y'knaa man!

((OZ RUN ON STAGE BACKSIDE EXPOSED AND PULL UP HIS TROUSERS.))

NEV: Are you alright Oz?

OZ: Well as well as to be expected after I've just had a javelin stuck up me arse!  Dear me!  It had better be worth it Dennis!

NEV: So how are we getting there?

DEN: Er fly out from Heathrow, then change at Frankfurt

NEV: A long way from home?

DEN: Argh howay man, the wages are top whack, the accommodation's brilliant, three months in the sun.  What could be wrong with that?

((Behind them a banner is illuminated displaying the Iraqi flag and a photograph of Saddam Hussein, along with Arabic music.  They are in Iraq.))

((Jimmy ad-libs to the audience 'I know what's coming see cos I was here this afternoon"))

OZ ((looking at Saddam's photo)):  He must be the top of the ladder eh?  He looks like a charge hand I once worked with on a site in Peterlee.  He was a miserable looking bastard an'aall!

NEV: He looks a bit like Englebert Humperdink

OZ: Hey well maybes it is!  I always wondered what happened to him.  Dropped oot the charts and moved to Iraq!

DEN: It's Saddam Hussein you pair of divvies, it's his palace man we'll be working on!

NEV: Ah right.

OZ: Ooo.  Hey Baghdad though, y'knaa the word Baghdad.  It's quite magical is'nt it.  The Thief of Baghdad, y'knaa, Ali Baba, flying carpets.  I mean you don't get that back home do you?

DEN: You're lucky to get flying Lino in my street!

((Lights fade Den and Oz leave - Later that evening. Spotlights on Neville writing a postcard))

NEV: Dear Brenda... Well we're here.  It's stifling hot.  Those jabs must have worked though.  I haven't caught anything... yet. We're working on this gigantic palace.  The labour force is from everywhere you could think of.  Even a thousand Sudanese brickies camped on the banks of the River Tigris...with only one bog between them.  Hope they're not using the concrete mixers.  Our digs are fine like.  And there's a few posh hotels with karaoke bars.  The ;ads are happy cos there's hundreds of sexually repressed Irish nurses.  ((thinks for a second and begins crossing out))  Argh I can't put that.  Argh shit...

((Later in the Bar, Music is Playing, Den, Nev and Oz are at the bar))

OZ: Hey I tell you what, lets get some neck oil.  Here Affendeep! Three Heinekens here we're gagging, and er... whats the lassies drinking?

DEN: Vodka and tonics chief.

OZ: Hey she's a sexy little thing that Siobhan mind isn't she? Feisty!  Y'knaa she spilt have a drink down her jugs before and I said 'can I lick that off?'  She say's 'you can f**k off!'.  I thought hey, I'm doing all right here!

DEN: Hey her mate there an'aall, she was a bit of a goer that Gertha!

OZ: Aye

NEV: It's with them being Irish man.  They're casting off their shackles and the conventand going rampant in the sun.

DEN: So how rampant's the one you're trying to pull?

OZ: Aye!

NEV: I was'nt!

OZ: Yes you were!

NEV: We were talking music!  I've loaned her me best of the Smiths tape.

DEN: Heys thats not advisable Nev, if she listens to that she'll throw herself off the top of the nearest Mosque!

IRISH NURSE (OOV): We're dying of thirst over here so we are!

((Lads apologise and take the drinks over))

((Next day on the job.  The lads are working and an Arab runs in))

ARAB: Ahhh.  Now, you not going to work on site!  You work down here only!  And you must work quickly, quick, don't stop!

NEV: Why are we being moved?

ARAB: Ask no questions.

((The lads look at each other))

ARAB: Tell me what you will need

OZ: Er, how about a crate of brown dog and three belly dancers?

((Oz mimics belly dancing))

ARAB: No jokes!  And you must wear these from now on!

((Arab hand the lads some ID passes and leaves))

NEV: Does he remind you of someone?

OZ: Looks like a bloody Hallal butcher to me

NEV: He looks like that Mike Elliot from back home.

DEN: A Geordie Sheik?

NEV: Hey what is this place, it's very luxurious isn't it?  Hey have you seen back here?  There one of them jackusi's and a big circular bed through there!

OZ: Ho ho, look at this awa here!  I'll tell you what!  Hugh Heffner would be at home here wouldn't he with aal this.  You know what we should do dont you?

DEN: What?

OZ: We should get them Irish tarts doon here, you knaa, the nurses for a bit of..

DEN: Do you's not realise where we are man?  Did you not see all that high tech stuff when we got out the lift?

NEV: It looks like the flight deck of the Starship Enterprise.

DEN: This is'nt a playboy mansion, its a military installation, we're working in Saddam Hussein's bunker.

NEV: Aaah right!

OZ (NAR): So they kept us working in the bunker.  For twelve hour shifts.  Grafting wor bollocks off, but it still wasn't fast enough for them.  And then, one hot August night, we got to find out why.

((The sound of tanks can be heard, moving overhead at speed))

OZ (NAR): First of all, we thought it was an earthquake.  So we ran out in to the street to find out what was what.  And then we saw it all.  Tanks, armoured personnel carriers, heading South.

((Cut to local new programme))

NEWSCASTER: The news.  It has been confirmed that a massive force of tank equipped Iraqi troops has moved in to Kuwait city.  Mrs. Thatcher called President Bush and urged him to take a strong, uncompromising stand.

((Back in Iraq))

NEV: Hey there's television crews and reporters everywhere!  I've been trying to phone Brenda, I cannot even get a line.

OZ: I'll tell you what y'knaa Den,

DEN: Aye

OZ: This is a really good job we've got here.  Great wages, plenty of overtime.  I hope this war not going to bollocks it up for us!

DEN: Well we don't want to be around when the Yanks arrive and start dropping bombs on Saddam's arse!

NEV: What???

OZ: Argh don't worry Nev, we'll be aalright! We'll get wor feet up and his vibrating bed, get some kebabs in his microwave, and he's got Godfather one, two and three on his stereo, so it'll be champion in there

(Lindsey enters)

LINDSEY: You guys work in a bunker?

OZ (Introducingly): Aye pet, on the Presidents palace nee less!

LINDSEY: What exactly do you do?

DEN: We're bricklayers. That normally stops a conversation straight away

LINDSEY: I thought a working mans hero was something to be?

DEN: Well if you're a John Lennon fan pet, we might buy you a drink

LINDSEY: Vodka, straight.  I'm Lindsey Hallow

OZ: Hallo!

NEV: Haven't we seen you on the telly?

LINDSEY: Maybe.  I'm with CNN. So erm, what kind of stuff has Saddam got down there?

OZ: Argh hey, it's what has he not got to me pet, it's like a subterranean shagging pit!

DEN (butting in): I'm sorry pet, you're press like, you know and its a very sensitive situation like!

LINDSEY: Oh, no sweat.  Thanks for the drink guys

OZ: Oh its a pleasure.

((Lindsey leaves, Den and Oz stare after her))

OZ: Well I wad!

DEN: Aye me too!

((Kevin Whatley tries to look nonchalant.  Lindsey is played by his wife Madeleine Newton))

NEV: Hey do you's really think we're in a scary situation here?

DEN: Well there no question of that man, I mean you don't mess about with these people you know!  Hey one of the pipe fitters told me this story right.  This Minister, he disagreed with Saddam, two days later there's a parcel arrives at his wife's house with her husbands head in it!

OZ: Howay man Den, we're OK, we're just bricklayers man.

DEN: Aye.  We're the most strategically placed Bricklayers in the whole of Baghdad!

NEWSCASTER: And more good news.  Auf Wiedersehen Pet will be continued after the break.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT 2

NEWSCASTER: The late news.  Saddam Hussein has added to the escalating tension in the Gulf by announcing that he plans to use foreign workers as human shields.

((Back in Iraq))

NEV: So what exactly is a human shield?

DEN: We he's using us to deter military strikes y'knaa

OZ: Aye.  Chain wor to the gates of the poison gas factory y'knaa, cos your like a prime target for Allied aircraft.  Y'knaa what I mean?  Red leader to Red 2, Red leader to Red 2, have reached the contact, am moving in now,  Target 1000 metres... 500 metres...  Oh f*ck it's Neville ABORT!!!

DEN: Keep your voice down you dickhead! You can bet your bollocks that this place is bugged!

OZ: Divvent be daft man Dennis, we're Geordies man, none of them buggers will be able to understand a word we say!

DEN: Just stick to the usual stuff eh?  Football, sex...

OZ: Ok!...  So Nev did you poke that Lesley tart then?

NEV: Did I what?

DEN: Oy?

OZ: What? Thats a sex based question is'nt it?  Its just he's been hoying drinks down her throat these pass few nights

NEV: I'm married Oz, and that means something!

OZ: Oh, I know.  Its a very serious institution marriage, but er, nee one would find oot her man!  And she's definitely humpable!

((Outside Lindsey is doing a live broadcast))

LINDSEY: Today at the United Nation, Members have decided to use Military force.  Saddam's response was short and sharp.  In attack we will never surrender.  Lindsey Hallow, CNN Baghdad.

((Back in the Bunker - Arab runs in))

ARAB: Out, out!  Quickly Out!

DEN: Howay, we've got this wall to plaster man!

ARAB: Later later! He is coming!

DEN: Who?

ARAB: Him! Him!

DEN: Argh him!

NEV: Who?

DEN: Who do you think!  Where's Oz?

NEV: I think he went to the toilet!  Come to think of it, he's been in that toilet for about half an hour

DEN: So Saddams Hussein's on his way down to find Oz sitting on his bog?

((Arab runs back in as Oz appears))

ARAB: Out! Out! quickly!

((Outside the lads talk))

OZ: So there am is.  Lying on the tiles, deeing a bit of plumbing right.  The next thing a'knaa suddenly, I'm looking up at HIS face right, him and aal his Generals.

NEV: Did he say owt?

OZ: Well he mumbled something to his entourage like, I think the gist of it was... 'Ask that man where he got them Doc Martins from'

NEV: I bet you it wasn't him, I bet you it was one of his doubles!

OZ: What you talking about doubles?

NEV: He's got doubles all over the place man so that he doesn't get topped.  Pretty good idea when you think about it, cos then you could open three poison gas factory and a ship yard all in the same day.

OZ: Bollocks! It was him!  And I tell you what, you don't forget a boat race like that in a hurry neither.  All dark and malevolent.  Quite a fearsome sight.  A little bit like Bobby Monkerr going out for a tackle!

DEN: Aye, but Oz, what was this about 'doing a bit of plumbing'?

OZ: Oh aye, well you see, I'd heard from one of the towell heeds that 'HE' might be on his way doon, so I nipped in a made a bit of a bypass in the pipes.

NEV: What for?

OZ: Cos I wanted a souvenir!

((Oz produces a jar with containing and enormous turd))

OZ: Alas poor Yoric!

DEN: Is that what I think it is?

NEV: Argh it's a turd that disgusting!

OZ: Howld on a minute, thats not just any owld Richard the Third, this came oot the arsehole of the great dictator himself!

DEN: Well what are you ganna do with it!?!?!

OZ: I'm ganna take it home!  I though I might ask them to put it behind the bar in the Heaton Buffs!

DEN: Do you not remember whats been going on these past few weeks, can you imagine what Saddam will do if he finds out about this?  Or do you want your head Fed-Ex'ed back to your granny in Gateshead?

NEV (NAR): Well they did'nt find out.  But we were still in Dire Straights like.  Everybody else was shipping out, all the brickies, the nurses, airbases were closing.  Mind they were the first to go like, the Frogs.  Nothing new there.  So Oz went round and looted all their kitchens.

DEN: (NAR): We stayed there right through Christmas.  And the UN Bombing deadline was getting nearer.  And then Lindsey truned up and said she wanted a quiet word with Oz.  In fact she wanted to speak with all of us.  In secret, like.

((Later, the boys have met up with Lindsey))

NEV: So whats this all about?

LINDSEY: You guys aren't going to make it out of here without my help.

NEV: I thought you were only with CNN?

LINDSEY: I'm also CIA.

OZ: Aye, she's a spook!

LINDSEY: We'll get you a vehicle.  Maps, quarters, spare gas, and a further ride to egt you to Jordan

OZ: Jordan, phoar wey aye!

NEV: She's still a babe in arms man!

DEN: Not that Jordan man you pillock, the country

LINDSEY: We need something from you.

DEN: What do you want like, a plan of the whole control centre?

LINDSEY: No, Saddam has camps all over Iraq, camps are of no particular interest.  You have a stool sample.

NEV: What in God's name do you want with that?

LINDSEY: Medical analysis.  It can tell us if he's sick, dying, fate, maybe all three.

DEN: Have you still got it Oz?

OZ: I do

DEN: I told you to get rid of it didn't I?

OZ: Well I did'nt!

DEN: Well thank God for that!

NEV: How the hell did you get to hear about it?

LINDSEY: We have our sources.

((Dnnis and Neville look at Oz))

OZ: Well divvent look at me, I never said nowt!

DEN: You're supposed to be a stool pigeon!

OZ (NAR): We got out in the nick of time, in the Middle of the night.  Just as the first bombs were beginning to drop.

NEV (NAR): It almost cost us our lives.  We got within a few miles of Jordan, and we nearly got shot up by an SAS unit.

DEN (NAR): It was a bunch of these 'Andy McNabb's', pointing assault rifle's at wor heads.

OZ (NAR):  Aye.  I put me hands and and said 'Woah, don't shoot man, we're Geordies!'.  The SAS bloke said, 'Bollocks then.  What the hell are you doing out here'.  I said, 'Hey, you go where the work is pal!'

DEN (NAR): So thats it then.  The untold story.

NEV: Erm, not quite.

DEN: What do you mean like?

NEV: There's something even you two don't know, and I've never told anybody.

OZ: You're not a puff are you?  You kept that quiet a lang time!

NEV: It's more serious than that man Oz!  You know the day that Saddam came in to the bunker.

OZ: Yes

NEV: Well after you went, I nipped in to the Presidential bog, and I know what you said Dennis, but when I have to go I have to go!

OZ: Well where's this leading exactly, Eh?

NEV: Well it's wasn't Saddam's turd to had man, it was mine!

OZ: Eh?

((Oz begin to look revolted and rubbs his hands all over his T Shirt))

OZ: So some bloody Top Gun has had to fly that thing all the way to Washington, and the scientists are going to put it under the scope for to examine it, and find... what?

DEN That Saddam Hussein's arse is showing dangerously levels of Newcastle Brown Ale Contamination!!!!!!

 

 

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