The Move

By Kevin McCormick

"Look, look. I'm only asking you to help me move house. If you don't want to do it just pigging say so" spluttered Barry. He was having a hard time trying to coax the boys into helping him move.
"Barry man. It's not that we don't want to help you. It's just that I've been to Wolverhampton once and didn't see anything to entice me back there" replied Oz.
"Except for that little Chinese waitress at the Wai Ling eh Oz" said Wayne.
"Yeah well I just thought you wouldn't mine helping a friend out" said Barry.
"Well you can count on me and Den" said Neville. "Brenda said she'd love to see Hazel again"
"Aye, and I'll be bringing Christine" said Dennis.
"After all that work we put into that house of yours and now you go and bloody move" said Moxey.
"It's not my fault if some multinational comes along and decides it wants to flatten the area and make it into a hypermarket" said Barry.
"Funpark"
"What?"
"You said a funpark before" said Moxey.
"Look, whatever it is, I've got to move out this Saturday. So are you going to help or not?" asked Barry. "Hazel has already planned a house warming on Saturday night in the new place"
"Oh alright alright. I'll go along. As long as everyone else is going" said Oz.
"Yeah, count me in" said Moxey. They all agreed that they would help Barry out that weekend.
"Where are we going to kip?" asked Oz.
"Well Den and Nev are staying at my place with their partners. I thought that you lot would stay in a motel or something" said Barry.
"Well I hope you're paying for it" replied Oz.
"Yes of course. It's the least I can do after you so graciously gave up your weekend to help me. Besides a friend of mine has a motel he's just bought. Needs a bit of tidying up but he'll let me have the rooms for next to nothing" said Barry.
"Here, this isn't one of your ploys to get us down there to do some work on this friends motel is it?" asked Bomber.
"Course not. Look, down to Wolverhampton after work Friday, help me move Saturday, back up here Sunday then back to the site Monday morning" said Barry.
"What a great weekend. I'm really looking forward to this" said Oz sarcastically.
"Look I've told you, if you don't want to do it then stay up here in the pigging pub all weekend" said Barry beginning to lose his patience again.
"Ignore him Barry, he's just winding you up" said Moxey.
"Yep he's taken the bait and and I'm going to reel him in" said Oz. With that Barry said he'd see them all later and went back to work shaking his head. When he was out of earshot Dennis turned to Oz holding out his hand palm up and said "Ok Oz come on. You're the only one who hasn't coughed up towards the house warming present yet"
"Alright alright, here you go. But I don't know why were doing this you know. We're doing a big enough favour going to help him move" said Oz.
"A fiver! Is that it. Well you and tight arse Moxey over there can move all the heavy stuff. The rest of us will move the Tuppaware" said Dennis.
"Bloody hell, there's no pleasing some people is there" said Oz.
"Ok lads, lets get back to work before Major Montford starts docking us" said Bomber. Major Montford was the site foreman, a short, round guy who's goal in life seemed to be to make everyones life as miserable as his own. The fact that he was always fighting a losing battle against smoking didn't help his demeanour. "You know he's got it in for me" said Wayne. "Always watching me, checking his watch and writing things down."
"He's like that with everyone, the miserable old git" said Oz. "He's got more patches than a second hand inner tube and is always chewing that nicotine gum."
"Yeah, and you can see the smoke drifting out the window of his hut" said Wayne.
"Don't know why he just doesn't admit he's hooked. It'd make everyone's life easier" said Oz.
"All I know is if ever he wants a light, I'll give him the biggest one he's ever had" said Moxey and with that everyone went back to work.

Friday afternoon and some of the lads are gathered in the pub enjoying a well-earned pint after work. "Where is everyone?" asked Oz.
"Barry went home straight from work" replied Moxey, "And Den and Nev have gone for their wives. Said they'll see us there."
"Typical of them two to include the wives mafia. So where's Wayne?" he asked.
"Probably pressing his suit" replied Bomber.
"More likely putting another colour in his hair" said Oz and with that the door of the bar opened and in walked Wayne. "Everyone ready then" he called.
"'Bout time. Where've you been?" asked Moxey.
"Well Den was in such a rush to get away he gave me the whip round and told me to get the present. Said I should be used to buying presents you know for the birds. But buying a bird a piece of jewellry or some underwear is one thing, buying a house warming gift is another" said Wayne.
"So what did you get then?" asked Bomber.
"An electric kettle" replied Wayne.
"A what!"
"A kettle"
"Wayne man it's a house warming not a wedding" said Oz.
"So what do you get for a house warming then?" asked Wayne.
"I don't know, something ornamental not practical" replied Bomber.
"Oh well too late now, we've got to get going. Still it's the thought that counts" said Moxey.
"A bloody kettle" muttered Oz.
"It's a Russell Hobbs" said Wayne.

The few hours trip to Wolverhampton went without a hitch and they soon found themselves off the motorway and following the crude map that Barry had drawn, directing them to the motel they'd be staying at. In the meantime Dennis and Neville had pulled up outside what was soon to be the frozen meat section of the new hypermarket but for the time being was still Barry's home. Hazel came out to greet them. "Hello everyone, you found it alright then?"
"Hello pet. Yeah it's been a while but not much has changed since the last time we were here" replied Dennis.
"Not yet anyway" said Hazel, "won't recognize round here soon"
"Ahh, won't you be sad to move after all the work you put into the place?" asked Brenda.
"No, not a bit. Barry's not too pleased but I'm busting. This is just a damp, old, miserable hole. The new place is on a new sub division in a better part of town" said Hazel. "Well come in, I'll show you your rooms" Just then Barry appeared at the door. "Hi fellas, you found it alright then?"
"Yeah no worries Barry" replied Neville.
"Come in, don't mind the boxes. The place looks like the first time you saw it. Hazel will show you your rooms, I'll put the kettle on" said Barry.
"What time are we meeting the lads?" asked Neville.
"Eight o'clock at the Wai Ling" replied Barry.
"Don't tell me you're going out" moaned Christine.
"Oh let them go. I've got some wine and we've got lots to catch up on" said Hazel. With that they all entered and enjoyed a cup of Barry's finest. Meanwhile in another part of town the rest of the lads had just pulled up outside their motel.
"Dear me, this can't be it can it?" asked Oz.
"Well Barry did say it needed some work" said Bomber.
"Needs knocking down and starting again" said Moxey.
"Can't judge a book by it's cover, Let's have a look inside" said Wayne getting out the car. The reception was not much better than the outside and before they could ring the bell a man appeared from the back, smiled and said "you lot must be Barry's mates"
"That's right"
"Okay I've given you a couple of twins in the west wing. That's the best part. The place needs some work but when it's all finished it'll be a gold mine" He extended his hand. "The name's Steve, Steve Webster" They all introduced themselves then Oz said "Got your work cut out here mate!"
"Yeah I know, but with all the new developing going on it should bring tourists to the area"
"Pity your footbaal team can't do the same" said Oz
"I agree but I'm a Villa supporter myself. Anyway come on I'll show you your rooms" He led them off without them signing the register and while walking along Bomber asked "Do you do breakfasts?"
"I will when the kitchen is finished. Ok here we are"
"What about tea and coffee in the rooms?" asked Oz.
"No sorry, haven't got round to buying the amenities yet" he replied opening the door.
"Got any tea bags then? We've got a kettle!" said Moxey.

After a quick shower the lads realised that they were famished but more importantly thirsty. They made a call to Barry to confirm the reservation then made their way to the nearest pub to quench their thirsts and call a cab. After a quick pint and a game of pool they were on their way to the Wai Ling. Soon all seven were tucking into a variety of Chinese dishes. During the conversation attention was drawn to a pub across the road.
"There's a lot of people going in there" remarked Neville.
"Yeah it's a popular place especially Fridays as they have karaoke. Two hundred and fifty pounds prize too!" responded Barry.
"Hey Oz maybe you should give it a go" said Moxey.
"What me! I do my singing in the shower and that's it" replied Oz.
"You've got a good voice Oz as you proved in that club in Derby" said Bomber. "Could earn yourself an easy two fifty"
"Yeah and you never know, the new Brian Epstine could be in there looking for new talent. You could be the new Ricky Martin" said Wayne.
"More like Dean Martin. They're about the same age and drink the same amount" said Moxey.
"'Ere watch it you"
"Well let's go and take a look anyway. There's been quite a few women going in" said Wayne.
After finishing and paying for the meal they made their way across the road. The sound of a female failing to hit the high notes by a couple of octaves of 'I Will Always Love You' met them well before they reached the door. "Dear me someone call the police. There's a woman killing a song in there" said Oz. They entered and made their way to the bar.
"Me and Nev will get these, you lot go and find us a table" said Dennis. They got the drinks then found the table they were sitting at.
"Not a bad place this is it" said Neville.
"Not bad at all my son. There's that much spare in here even Moxey could pull" said Wayne, a remark which was replied to by Moxey's middle finger. Just then the next wannabe got up to do her best, which at best was mediocre. And so the trend went on.
"Tell you what, I might just give it a go. Can't be any worse than this lot" said Oz and with that he got up and made his way to register his request. He returned five minutes later sporting a cheesy grin. "All done" he said.
"What're singing then?" asked Dennis.
"You'll see" he replied, "my round I think"
Twenty minutes later Oz was called up to do his song. Up he went to loud cheers the biggest cheer coming from his table. Soon he was belting out Mustang Sally and after he'd finished it was apparent by the ovation that he'd been the best so far.
"Ok there you have it, Big Willy Osborne is the one to beat" announced the compere and as the night was drawing to a close Oz was all but convinced that the money was his for the taking. "And now our final challenger" said the compere as a small pretty blonde walked up to the mic. After a short delay she began to sing Wind Beneath My Wings.
"You wouldn't kick her out of bed would you" remarked Wayne.
"Not a bad singer and all. She sounds just like what's-her-name, the woman who sang it" said Neville.
"Barbara Streisand wasn't it" said Moxey.
"Bette Midler you duck egg" corrected Oz.
"Oh yeah, well how do you know that she's never sung it then."
"He's right Moxey, it was Bette Midler" said Dennis.
"Yeah ok. She had a hit with it but who's to say she's never sung it, you know in concert" said Moxey.
"Look Moxey man it doesn't matter if Boy George sang it, Bette Midler had a hit with it" said Oz.
"She could be the Girl Beneath My Sheets" said Wayne.
"Good set of lungs on her" remarked Bomber, "No wonder she's a good singer"
"Neville's right" said Dennis, "she does sound like Bette Midler" With that they listened to the rest of the song, the ending of which was met by easily the loudest acclamation.
"I think we've just found our winner" declared the compere. "Little Julie" and with that he handed her a cheque amid renewed applause.
"Well I'm off to see what our Little Julie likes to drink" said Wayne. "See you in the morning"
"Aye well don't forget we've an early start tomorrow" said Dennis.
"And don't take her to our room" said Bomber. "Last thing I want to see when I get back is your lily white arse going up and down" With a grin he left but was soon back.
"That was quick, even by your standards London" said Oz.
"She's already gone. I asked the compere fella if he'd seen her and he said she'd pissed off and that she owed him"
"Owed him what?" asked Dennis.
"Don't know he didn't say"
"Well I think we'd better be going" said Barry standing and aiming his attention at Neville and Dennis.
"Yeah ok" said Dennis and with that they finished their drinks.
"See you at my place about eight o' clock" said Barry.
"Don't worry we'll be there on time" said Bomber. They said good-bye and left for the taxi rank. "Well one more round then we'll get off eh?" said Bomber.
"Aye then we'll find a curry house, I'm starving" said Oz.
"Gonna be a wet and windy night sharing with him" said Wayne to Moxey.
"It's alright, me sinuses are playing up again' he replied.
" Well if you start snoring I'll stuff my socks up your beak." said Oz
"That'll seem like a breath of fresh air compared to your farts." said Moxey.

The following day they got under way putting furniture and boxes into the pantech which Barry had hired. Tea was served on a regular basis to overcome the dry horrors of the previous nights drinking. Things went surprisingly without a hitch and before midday everything was done.
"Do you think we should get the carpets cleaned?" asked Hazel.
"What for! The bulldozer will be going through here in a couple of days" said Barry.
"Yes but what if they go through the house before they demolish it. Don't want them to think that we were slovenly"
"Maybe you should get the windows cleaned too" said Oz. "And get the chimney swept"
"Don't you start as well Oz" said Barry. "C'mon lets go. I've put a lot of work into this house. I just want to sever all ties with it and start afresh"
" I think he's going to cry" whispered Moxey to Oz.
" C'mon Mox you can come in the truck with me" said Oz. "You lead the way Barry and we'll follow", yelled Oz.
The journey was only about fifteen minutes but it was a whole world away from where they'd just been. "Eee, it's lovely round here" said Brenda to Hazel.
"Told you. Ok ours is right here at the bottom of the cul-de sac" They were soon all gathered on the drive admiring the exterior of the house.
"This must have cost a bit" said Dennis.
"Yes, but then we got over the odds for our place to get us out quick" said Barry.
"Well come on then" said Denise, "show us the inside" After getting the full tour of the house they began the task of unpacking everything. Hazel was stood in the hall like a policeman on point duty directing the flow of furniture with the boxes going into the garage. "They can be opened tomorrow. I just want to get the chairs and tables set up for the house warming" she said. As the last box was being taken inside a van pulled up with Kenny's Karaoke Hire on its side.
"Is there a Hazel Taylor here?" asked the driver.
"Just a minute" said Oz. "HAZEL" he shouted. She appeared at the door, saw the van and said "Bring it in here, I'll make a bit of room for you" While he was showing the girls how it worked, Barry told Hazel that he was going to the off-licence to get the beer.
"Don't be long" she said, "everyone will be arriving soon"

After a quick round trip they arrived back to find that some of Barrys guests had arrived. He took time out to introduce everyone to his work colleagues and soon the party was well under way. It took a while to get the first one up to use the karaoke but after a few drinks it became nigh on impossible to stop them all having a go. One of the surprises of the night was Neville's rendition of Delilah.
"Not bad bonny lad" said Dennis.
"I didn't know you could sing" said Christine.
"Neither did I" said Brenda.
"Don't worry, it's just the alcohol numbing the eardrum. Besides I think these machines help make you sound better" said Neville. The boys attention was drawn to the couple of young women who'd just walked in and were talking to Hazel.
"Ere, isn't that Little Julie?" asked Wayne.
"Is too. Well here's your chance Wayne" said Bomber. Hazel introduced the women to everyone, Julie turned out to be Sandra, Hazels cousin who was there with her friend.
"Well well, the gods are smiling on me" said Wayne. "I'll just let them get settled then move in for the kill. Anyone fancy her mate?"
"Yep, count me in" said Oz. Soon the pair had the girls cornered and were engaging in some small talk.
"Ok Sandra" called Hazel to her cousin, "it's your turn for a song"
"Hang on not yet. My throat hasn't been oiled enough yet"
"Come on, you haven't had a go yet"
"Ok ok" She turned to Oz. "Come on, you can help me" He was a little taken aback but agreed. They decided on I Got You Babe and it was as she started to sing the boys got a big surprise, she was bloody awful. Oz kept staring at her as she sung badly out of tune and was glad when it was all over.
"I'm not very good am I" she said
"Bloody awful" said Oz and just then they were joined by Bomber and Moxey.
"Excuse me but we were in the karaoke bar last night and you had a great voice" said Bomber.
She looked a little surprised, "You were there?"
"Yeah, you sang that Barbara Streisand song" said Moxey.
"Bette Midler" she corrected.
"So what's the story then?" asked Wayne.
"Can you keep a secret?" she asked.
"Of course" they all said.
"Well what I did was offer him a sexual favour if he put in a tape and let me lip-synch. I've done it a few times at different karaoke comps. Of course I always scarper straight after I get the cheque."
"Well you seemed pretty convincing up there."
"That's why I go up towards the end. Everyones drunk so they don't suspect anything. If they do they put it down to the drink. Tammy my friend here, she does it too. We've got a couple of thousand between us so were off to Spain next month for a holiday" She turned to Oz "Maybe you'd like to come with us" He gulped on his beer then said, "Aye if I can get the time off work"
Wayne turned to Tammy "If you'd like an escort too then I'd be of service"
"Thanks but I have a boy friend" and with that rebuff party went on well into the early hours.

On the journey home Moxey asked "Are you going to see her again?"
"Dunno, maybe. I'll have to see if Major Montford will give us the time off"
"So Wolverhampton isn't that bad after all" said Wayne.
"Aye. It's not such a bad place after all"
"Amazing how a piece of skirt can change a blokes thinking" said Bomber.
"It might be a canny place but if we ever make it permanent she'll have to move to Newcastle. Buggered if I'm going to live there"
"And what if she doesn't agree?"
"Then she can bugger off"

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