The Tiger

By Kevin McCormick

"So London’s still seeing this tart then?" Oz was sat at the bar of the local watching television with Barry. The question was aimed at Barry but he was more interested in an article in the magazine he was reading, wanting to add to his already vast store of trivia. Not getting a reply he gave the magazine a flick to gain Barry’s attention. "I said, Wayne still seeing that tart is he? Whatsername, Carmen?"

Barry closed the magazine and replied "Yeah, seems smitten too"

"Smitten! Ha! Maybe until the next piece of fresh meat comes along in a skirt then he’ll give her the what-does-he-call-it, Spanish archer"

"I don’t know Oz. He mentioned something about getting a tattoo with her name"

"Better than a piece of bloody skirting board" They both laughed. Oz pulled out some wrinkled money from his pocket and pointing at Barry’s almost empty glass asked "Same again?" Barry nodded. The drinks got poured and Barry picked up his magazine. Oz flicked it again but before he could say anything Barry fumed "Oz, I know you’re bored and you’ve got a downer on the other lads with what they’re doing but don’t take it out on me" He picked up his drink and leaving the bar, sat at a table.

"Now what’s the matter?" asked Oz with genuine surprise. Leaving his drink and magazine at the table Barry stood and joined Oz at the bar. "For the past few days the lads have been going to a gymnasium with Bomber and all I get is grief from you. I don’t know why you don’t go with them"

"Because it’s getting like Germany again" muttered Oz, then louder, "Especially Neville. First he went with Bomber and now they all go. It’s not right going training when you finish work. A couple of pints is all you need to unwind…." Barry shook his head and returned to his table leaving Oz to carry on to himself. Realising no one was listening Oz picked up his drink and joined Barry. "Anyway, why don’t you go"

"Because of my dicky rotator cuff"

"Dicky what?"

"Rotator cuff"

"And what’s that?" Barry pulled himself closer to Oz and began to explain as only Barry could, "The rotator cuff right, is where the humerus is attached to the scapula, like a ball and socket. This is what allows the free movement of the arm" He indicated this by swinging his arm around like a windmill. "However, if you apply too much pressure to this joint, the cartilage and ligaments become stressed and the whole area becomes incapacitated"

"So your shoulder’s buggered is what you’re saying"

"Correct"

"There you go, I rest my case. Training is no good for you"

The pub door opened and in walked Bomber, smiling, followed by the others looking more than a little fatigued. "Pint lads?" asked Bomber as he passed Oz and Barry.

"You get these in Bomber, I need to sit down" said Dennis behind him. The three weary trainers plonked themselves down at the table with Oz and Barry, rubbing various parts of their body. Feeling his thighs Neville said, "My legs feel like jelly. I don’t think I’ll be able to walk tomorrow"

Dennis meanwhile was prodding his chest, "I can definitely feel an improvement"

Moxey had his sleeve rolled up and was flexing a biceps, "A few more workouts like that and you can call me Arnie"

"Phworr would you listen to you lot, a couple of days pumping iron and all of a sudden you’re Lou Ferringo"

"Ferrigno" corrected Barry. Oz looked at Barry then continued, "Whatever, anything that makes you feel that bad can’t be good for you"

"No pain no gain Oz" said Moxey.

"Bollocks!"

"You should come Oz. You’ll be sore at first but you’ll reap the benefits later" said Neville. Oz finished his drink, belched and replied, "What benefits?"

"Well, you’ll look better, feel better and live longer" said Neville trying to sound convincing.

"That’s all I need, to live ‘til I’m ninety and have to be spoon fed. And why? Because when I was thirty I could benchpress two hundred kilos!" They realised they were talking to a brick wall and no amount of convincing would sway Oz’s decision to go, or maybe……

The pub door opened and in walked Wayne with a big grin on his face. He saw the six full glasses on the table then said, "I’ll just get my own then"

"Hey Wayne listen, what do you reckon to this weight training?" called Oz.

"You’re well out of it my son. Listen I knew this guy at school and this bodybuilding thing killed him"

"How?"

"He was a good footballer but had dodgy knees so he started going to the gym to build up strength. Next thing was he was injecting himself with the juice and entered the local bodybuilding comp. He’s up on stage when crash-bang-wallop, one of the spotlights on the overhead gantry falls off, straight on his head and kills him"

"That’s just bad luck, nothing to do with training" argued Moxey.

"Just remember Mox that if he’d done something else, like rock guitarist say, he’d still be alive" said Wayne.

"Aye, and he could be on stage and have a light fall on his head" said Neville. Wayne shook his head, "Musicians don’t die on stage mate, they OD or choke on their own vomit"

"Bollocks!" said Neville.

"So you agree then, training is bad" Oz was happy to have Wayne as an ally.

"Well in theory yes. Pumping iron and jogging on treadmills isn’t natural but I’ll tell you what is. The aerobics classes. All that lycra and sweaty birds. Looks like they’ve all just gone a couple of hours in the sack with yours truly" Barry was shaking his head, as he always did when Wayne began his Don Juan act.

"Anyway listen, just changing the subject slightly, this bird I’m seeing. She’s got this video which may interest some of you guys" A few of their eye’s lit up. "Pornographic?" asked Oz. From his jacket pocket Wayne produced a glossy piece of paper which he’d taken from the inside cover of a video. He handed it to Dennis who unfolded it and read, " ‘The Tiger Returns’ What’s this?" he asked.

"Look who the Tiger is" said Wayne. At first they hardly recognised the man in purple lycra doing a push-up. Then Oz grabbed it and had a closer look. "Bloody Hell, it’s Baconballs!" It was passed around to everyone and they all confirmed, amidst roars of laughter, that Arthur Pringle was the Tiger. The video cover stated that the ‘RAF hero was back in his second video of aerobics for the over sixties’

"Hero? Dirty old man more like" said Moxey. Wayne retrieved the insert and said, "Apparently this is the second of three videos. His first one was a best seller and got him his own daytime show. He’s become something of a sex-symbol, not just with the blue rinse brigade, but all females out there in general" Bomber was shaking his head, "My word, how can he be a sex-symbol?"

"I asked Carmen and it’s the accent, the RAF hero, and fatherly figure all rolled into one that makes him so appealing"

"There’s no accounting for taste is there?" murmered Moxey.

"True" replied Oz, "Wonder what Hazel saw in Barry?!"

The next day at lunch all was relatively quiet, then Oz showed up carrying a sports bag. "Brought your own lunch today have you?" Dennis pointed at his bag.

"No, no. Just some sports gear"

"Don’t tell us you’re coming to the gym tonight" Neville was grinning.

"Aye, but I’m not doing any of that weight training" With a smirk he continued, "Me and Wayne are doing the aerobics class" This produced a round of laughs. "So what’s in the bag?" asked Dennis.

"Towel, drink bottle and trainers"

"What about shorts and shirt?" Looking down at himself Oz replied, "I thought I’d wear these" The laughs turned to groans. "You’ve had them on all week"

"That’s ok, they’ll be good for one more day"

"How long have you had that green shirt Oz?" asked Neville. Still looking down at the shirt he replied "Dunno. A few years. It’s been all around the world this has you know"

"And never seen the inside of a washing machine I don’t think" said Bomber. Oz sniffed the right armpit then wiped his nose on the sleeve. "As I said, it’ll be good for one more day"

That evening they entered the gym together, five going in one direction to be tortured again by Bomber, with Oz and Wayne heading for the aerobics class. Inside the room, several people were already there, stretching and warming up on the mats. They were more than a little disappointed to see all were male. At the front of the room was a dais with a large screen on the front wall and video recorder on a stand next to it. "Now what shall we do?" whispered Oz. Looking around Wayne replied, "Just hang about here at the back of the room, you can get a better perve here from the back"

"Listen, when there’s a few boilers in don’t forget to ask me about the Falklands, out loud like"

"What for?"

"You know what they’re like with Pringle the RAF hero. Just think what they’d be like with a younger Falklands hero"

"Falklands hero?" laughed Wayne.

"Shh, not yet!"

"You’d better do something with that Geordie accent first otherwise they won’t be able to understand a bloody word you say"

The crowd in the room gradually swelled to about twenty five or so but if Oz and Wayne were expecting a class of nubile, young teenage women then they were wrong. They were definitely outnumbered by middle-aged women who had spent too much time at a desk nibbling chocolate bars and were attempting to redress the health balance. The smiling, cheerful instructor entered bouncing on tiptoes and with a clap of the hands she asked them to all line up. Oz and Wayne managed to manoeuvre themselves behind a couple of good sorts. "Ok ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have a few new-comers so for those of you who don’t know me I’m Nicole. We’ll start with some warm-ups first then get into the good stuff. Right, let’s start with fifty starjumps to get us warmed up" Oz and Wayne looked at each other gob-smacked then joined in with the rest of the class. [Can you picture Oz doing starjumps?]

Ten minutes later after getting thoroughly warmed up the two were about to jack it in then and there when they got down to some stretching. The display put on in front of them suddenly made it all worth while. "Bloody Hell, look at that" gasped Oz.

"Magic" retorted Wayne. The two young ladies looked around to see two red faced, sweaty men ogling them. Wayne smiled and winked saying "Mixed showers is it?"

"No, humans in one, perverts in the other"

As the stretching routine continued the door opened and someone popped their head in. "Nicole, telephone call for you. It’s important" She nodded an ok then put a video into the recorder. Clapping her hands she got everyone's attention and announced she had to go out for ten minutes but in the meantime they were to follow the easy video as part of the warm-up. As she left Arthur Pringle came into view and after a brief announcement, everyone began clapping him and the two in front even jumped with glee. In a slightly louder than usual voice Oz said "I always knew Arthur would make a name for himself" Wayne added, "And let’s not forget we helped him get to where he is" The two ladies in front turned around and asked, "You know Arthur Pringle?"

"Aye pet, we go back a long way"

"Were you in the RAF together?"

"We’re not that old love" said Wayne, "No we were his guests for a while in Derbyshire. He’s got a pub there. I was almost engaged to his daughter" Oz almost burst out laughing. "My name’s Wayne and this is Oz"

"I’m Beverley and this is Jackie. Did you know Arthur’s coming here next week?"

"No, what for?"

"He’s taking his show on the road and will be doing two sessions here next Tuesday and Wednesday" said Jackie.

"Could you introduce us" asked Beverly.

"I’m sure we could but first of all, what’s your plans for this evening. Anyone fancy a Chinese?" They both nodded their approval and before anything more could be said Nicole returned. "Ok, you should all be warmed up, now let’s get into some real work"

The next morning both Oz and Wayne were glad that it was Friday and they’d have the weekend to get over their aching muscles. All aches were forgotten about though as they thought about their new acquaintances. "I thought you was smitten by Carmen" Barry said to Wayne on the way to the site.

"I am, she’s very tasty"

"So what about this Jackie you were with last night?"

"Barry, do you have beef for dinner every day?" Barry shook his head, "No"

"Well there you go" With a puzzled look Barry asked "What does that mean?"

"What it means Barry is if you eat the same thing every day you’ll get bored with it" said Dennis.

"I’d eat beef every day. It’s a good source of protein and iron"

"And that’s where you and me differ Barry. I like to keep trying different meats with different sauces"

"Hey, listen, listen" interjected Oz "That show Pringle’s got, he’s taken it on the road and he’s doing two shows at the gym next week. We thought we’d go along and say hi. You coming?"

"You must be joking Oz. I don’t think he’d be pleased to see us" said Bomber.

"Why?" asked Oz obviously forgetting past history.

"After bricking up his front door I don’t think we’d be on his Christmas card list"

"But that was years ago Dennis, he’s probably forgotten all about it"

"He’s right Oz, he probably still holds a grudge" said Wayne.

"Let’s not forget Wayne that it’s our relationship with Pringle that got us the date last night and will hopefully get us into their beds over the weekend"

"So you’re staying here this weekend?"

"Bloody oath"

"Right, well I don’t think Baconballs will be pleased to see us so might as well make the most of this weekend then" There was a glint in Wayne’s eye, the kind of glint that comes with promises of things to come and makes the working day go that much quicker. They arrived at the site and before going in their separate directions Oz said to Wayne, "Remember that video we had of Pringle at Thornley Manor. Do you still have it?"

"Back in London yeah. Why?"

"Can you get it here next week, just in case things go pear-shaped?"

"No worries. What’s your plan?"

"I haven’t got one and hopefully won’t need one, but just in case….."

Tuesday the following week and Oz and Wayne took half a day off to go with Jackie and Beverly to the gym. They wanted to get there early to get near the front as big crowds were expected. The others said they’d go along after work in case there was anything to witness. As it happened they got there in time to see the demise of Arthur Pringles showbusiness career and force him back to his pub in Derbyshire.

The crowd of mainly women had gathered inside the hall of the gym, aged from young schoolgirls to pensioners. A portable stage had been erected by Pringle’s entourage along with two large screens showing footage of his latest video. On the stage were two tables with several vacant chairs facing the audience one of which had a microphone. To the left was a VCR surrounded by empty video cases. Donned in what had become his traditional purple lycra, Pringle exited the changing rooms and made his way to the stage amidst generous applause. Taking one of the seats centre stage he waved at the crowd and continued to do so until the clapping had abated. Addressing the crowd he began telling them his life story, extending the truth quite a little it seemed. What surprised Oz and Wayne was his admission that he got into this after a forgettable incident several years ago with some uncouth builders. With a smile they congratulated each other.

A question and answer session began with him being bombarded by the usual inquiries and advice. Some of the advice was being given by members of the party sat with him who were qualified trainers and dieticians. During one of the answers Arthur was studying the crowd when he suddenly noticed Wayne. The smile slid immediately from his face and then replaced with a scowl. The scowl got more intense when he saw Oz with him. "What are you cretins doing here?" he hissed.

"Hello Arthur" smiled Oz, waving, along with Wayne.

"Get out of here now" he hissed louder.

"What’s wrong with him?" asked Beverly.

"He doesn’t look pleased to see you" added Jackie.

"I don’t know, I’ll find out" said Oz and he held up his hand. The fact that he was tall, big and stood at the front with his arm in the air made Oz stand out and he was given the next question.

"Hello again Arthur" Arthur tried to force a smile but it wouldn’t come. "Which war did you fight in again?"

"What kind of question is that you buffoon" he replied. The gentleman to his left gave him a nudge and whispered something in his ear.

"I was just wondering which war a hero like you fought in?" Oz asked.

"You’ll be able to read it in my autobiography when it comes out" he responded and managed to force out a smile. Before being asked Wayne shouted out "How’s your daughter Carol?" Arthur jumped to his feet and pointing at him shouted, "You stay away from her" Then to no one in particular, "Where’s security, get these two out of here, and the rest of the riffraff, if they’re here" This was where the others had just entered the building and seeing several security staff making their way to the front prompted them to get there too and help out their pals. Arthur saw them and started to point all around causing confusion for the security who didn’t know where to go. Suddenly the suave, English, gentleman had turned into a raving lunatic. "What are you waiting for?" he called to the security staff, "Throw them out. Hurry you bloody imbeciles" Being confused and called imbeciles stopped them in their tracks and they postponed the chase. "What on earth…" screamed Arthur. He strode from the stage and attempted to make his way to the changing rooms, to make haste his escape and followed by the rest of his party. All seven builders were gathered before the stage and one by one they all got up there. Getting the microphone Wayne said "Er, sorry about all this. Me and the lads go back a long way with Baconballs, I mean Arthur" Arthur stopped in his tracks, listening but not looking. Wayne continued, "We remember him when he was just a humble publican. We also remember him as Tiger the porno star" Oz popped the tape into the recorder on stage, showing him at Thornley Manor during one of Kenny Aimes’ parties. "Wonder if you was going to put this into you biography?" This time Arthur did look around. "You bastards!" he shouted. The seven were gathered around the microphone and began singing "Wall meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when……"

Within three weeks Arthur was back at the Barley Mow, the press having reduced his popularity to that below Saddam Hussein’s in Kuwait. Oz and Wayne got a slap each from Jackie and Beverly for what they’d done and their deception, making them believe they were friends of Pringle’s.

Wayne also earned a slap from Carmen, and another broken relationship, when she saw him inside the pages of the local rag with his arm around Jackie, taken before the gym incident erupted.

"I told you he wouldn’t be pleased to see us" said Bomber.

"That’s the understatement of the year" said Oz, "but it’s given me an idea"

"What’s that?"

"I think I’ll get a pub. Think of all the interesting people you’ll meet. People like us. I like to spend as much time in them as possible. I might as well run one. What do you think? Anyone like to be a partner?"

"The whole point of running a business is to make a profit. How much profit would there be if you was in there seven days a week?" Dennis said aloud what everyone was thinking.

"So what you’re saying is I should do something I don’t like then I won’t abuse it?"

"Something like that"

"I’ll stick to laying bricks then"

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