The Trip

By Kevin McCormick

The four travellers were on their way north up the M6. After another week's hard work they were after a weekends R&R. A holiday report on Blackpool had given Oz an idea to visit the coastal city again, somewhere he and his family had gone every year for a break when he was a kid. His fellow travellers, Wayne, Moxey and Bomber had never been to Blackpool before so all of this was going to be a new experience for them. Oz was trying to recall some of the places he'd seen but all that came to mind was the Tower and a run-away donkey with diarrhoea.
"Diarrhoea?" exclaimed Bomber.
"Aye. I was hanging on for dear life, and when the bloke finally caught up to us he gave it a whack and it shit all down his leg. I've never been near a donkey or horse since"
"So you don't fancy yourself as a rider then?" said Moxey.
"It's not that Moxey man. Have you seen how much comes out of the backend of a donkey? He walked me and the donkey into the sea and washed himself off. I jumped off and ran back to mam and dad who refused to pay him, which gave him the shits"
'So what's in this tower Oz?" asked Wayne.
"Not really sure. I remember a ballroom and a big organ. Oh and being pelted by bird shit when I went to the top" he replied.
"Was there ever a day when someone didn't get covered in shit Oz?" asked Wayne. Oz just smiled.
"So there's plenty to see and do?" asked Moxey.
"You lived closer than anyone Mox, didn't you ever go?"
"No, we always went to the same caravan on the same site at Rhyl" he replied.
"Well there's the Pleasure Beach, the zoo, plenty of pubs and clubs with plenty of totty" said Oz.
They soon turned onto the M55 and Oz remembered a game his family used to play. "The first to see the Tower gets a shilling"
"What?"
"That's what me dad used to say when we came here. Somewhere along here you can see the Tower" he said "First one to see it gets drinks off the others" No one said anything and Oz turned the radio up a little. Just when he thought everyone was asleep Wayne asked "What's that there" In the distance they saw a huge metal costruction.
"Looks like that new roller coaster I saw on the telly the other day. The Pepsi Max" replied Oz. Quiet returned to the car.
A few miles down the road it was Moxey's turn to call out. "There it is, the tower" Oz turned to Bomber in the front passenger seat. "I thought you would've been the first to see it"
"I was too interested in looking at the car beside us"
"I know what you mean Bomb, I was looking there myself" said Wayne from the back, eyeing up the four females in the car beside them.
"It's not like you to pass up an opportunity to miss a round Wayne" said Oz.
"I wouldn't be doing my reputation any justice if I let some skirt go by without making a comment"
"Only you would try and get into a girls pants as they were doing seventy on the motorway in another car" said Oz. Wayne was continuing his mime act, exaggerating mouth actions with no sound. One of the girls was continuing the same.
"Say elephant juice to her" said Oz.
"What? Why?"
"Never mind, just do it"
Wayne mouthed the words which started all, except the driver who was staring straight ahead, laughing. One of the girls turned to her, said something and she started to laugh.
"I wonder why they're laughing" said Wayne. Oz was laughing too and mouthing elephant juice to Bomber. Moxey, who hadn't taken his eyes off the tower, suddenly had the spell broken and just in time too. "Oz look out" he cried. The traffic had come to a grinding halt and hadn't it been for Moxey, Oz would have given the car in front a Liberace, a touch up the rear. As it turned out he had millimetres to spare when he came to a screeching halt.
"Phew, that was a bit close" said Oz nonchalantly. Bomber let out a big sigh of relief
'Keep your eyes on the bloody road Oz" he said, "There'll be plenty of time later for bird watching" In the back Moxey went back to staring at the tower while Wayne sought the car containing the young ladies.

The next forty minutes turned into a crawl into the centre of Blackpool. They got off the main drag and went through the back roads looking for a guest house or hotel. Soon they were amongst rows and rows of them. "Which one?" asked Oz.
"Doesn't matter. Any will do. The first vacancy we see we'll try it" replied Bomber. The words weren't out of his mouth when Oz pulled up outside a modest looking place.
"Not this one" said Wayne. "We sleep in a flea-infested cess-pit at the moment.Let's find something a bit better" Around into the next street they found a hotel, again nothing flash but sllightly better than where they were staying through the week, or at least it appeared from the outside. "How about this then?"
"Yeah, this'll do" said Wayne.
"So glad it meets your expectations"
"I wouldn't say that. But from what I've seen there's not too many vacancies available. And besides, I'm ready for a pint"
"You and me both" agreed Oz. "Ok Bomb, you run inside and see if there's two twins with en suite available. Oh and ask about parking" He was back within two minutes.
"Let's get the bags. They've got a lock up around the corner for cars. Give him the key and he'll park it for you" They got out of the car, gathered their belongings and went inside. They passed by a small room that was the bar in which sat several guests.Just beyond they were greeted by a short, smiling, aging man who was stood behind a makeshift counter in the hall. Looks like he's stood in a hole thought Oz. "So, you want two twins" he boomed in a broad, Yorkshire accent.
"Bloody hell, it's Dicky Bird" whispered Oz from the rear.
"Not quite" he replied, hearing what Oz had said, "but I am from Barnsley like Dicky. And I'm younger. The name's Tom. Anyway, without further ado you want two twins for two nights I believe. That'll be forty quid each, cash only.Oh, and five quid per night to park the car"
"Fine by us" said Moxey and they all delved into their pockets for the cash with Oz handing his keys over as well. Tom produced two sets of keys from under the counter and held them out to no one in particular. Bomber took one set and Moxey the other. "Breakfast is at eight o'clock sharp"
"Great" said Moxey. He picked up his bag, looked at the number on the plastic key-tab and headed for the stairs. The others followed and started to haggle about who was sharing with who. Moxey entered his room announcing he was going to do the three esses then go down to the bar for a pint.Oz grimaced, "That's it then, if he's going to back one out, I'm not going in there. Bomber, I'm with you" he turned to Wayne "And don't argue"
 

Having showered and changed they met down in the bar where they were discussing their rooms over a pint. Oz was most displeased, complaining about the room size. "I opened what I thought was the wardrobe and it turned out to be the en suite I think it was made by Mattell. The shower's that small, I had to open the door and hang my arse out to pick up the soap"
"They aren't that bad Oz" said Moxey.
"It's alright for you, you're used to sleeping in confined quarters. A couple of bars on the window and you'll really feel at home"
"All we need is a bed and somewhere to freshen up Oz. We'll spend most of the time in the boozer" said Wayne.
"I'll have to hang my feet out of the window if I'm to lie straight in bed"
"And with the smell of your feet you'll be doing me a big favour" said Bomber.
"Come on, let's make a move" said Wayne, "Big Jim and the twins are ready for some action" They finished off their drinks and rose as one. "Bar closes at midnight sharp" called Tom from behind the bar.
"Don't worry about us" called Oz, "We'll be lucky to be back for breakfast"
Leaving the hotel behind, they started to make their way to the central area of Blackpool. All had been to the seaside before but not for a number of years. The sights, sounds and smells were the same whether it be Blackpool, Southend or Woolacombe and on this pleasant evening in summer it was a joy to take in and a far cry from the building site. They stopped at a fish and chip bar and walked around eating them from paper, not the styrofoam cartons that seem to be fashionable these days. However, the night didn't go as well as they'd planned, walking from one bass-pumping pub to the next trying to find somewhere they could get served in less time than it took to change a head gasket. If the pubs were loud then the club they decided to try was even louder. They'd gone here to take advantage of the happy hour, 'Half Price Drinks and Half Price Entry Between 9 and 10' the sign outside said. Inside, they stood at the bar watching the attendant bounce up and down and clap to the beat. Getting his attention, Oz had to use hand signals in order to make himself understood, holding up four fingers and pointing at the bitter pump. The bar tender held up six fingers to indicate the cost. Oz leaned right across the bar and shouted in his ear "I thought it was happy hour" The bartender smiled at him, gave him a thumbs up and put six fingers up again. Oz paid him then grimaced in disgust at the weak bitter. "It's so flat they could've served it on a plate" he said. Wayne disappeared briefly, obviously checking out the talent but soon returned having been unable to make any conversation and readily agreed to go elsewhere.

Elsewhere turned out to be back at their hotel where they decided to ask Tom their landlord if there was anywhere that suited their taste which roughly translated meant somewhere the beer was reasonably cheap, plenty of women and music that wouldn't leave them prematurely deaf.
"...I know just the place" said Tom, getting them a drink from behind his bar, "Lot's of hen nights. I sometimes go there myself....."
"We don't want a grab-a-granny club" said Oz before taking a sip of bitter.
"No, no nothing like that. A pal of mine owns it so I go over to see him now and then"
"So you recommend it then?" asked Bomber.
"I do and I'll give him a call tomorrow and tell him you're coming. He'll let you in for nowt"
"Great, cheers Tom" said Moxey.
"What about tonight?" asked Oz.
"No can do, he only get's out tomorrow"
"What do you mean, out?"
"He got banged up for two months for ABH. Caught one of his staff dipping in the till and beat him up" The four looked at each other wondering whether or not it was such a good idea. Tom noticed this and tried to reassure them by saying, "He has a heart of gold and as long as he stays off the beer he's fine" They took their beers and sat at a table.
"Sounds like a real charmer" said Wayne. Bomber wasn't worried though, "It's just like any other club. As long as we don't play up we'll be fine"
"And stay away from the till" added Moxey.

The next morning the four were all bright eyed and bushy tailed eating breakfast at eight o'clock sharp. When they were finished, they told Tom they were going out for the day and would be back for tea time. "Don't forget to give your mate a ring" said Oz.
"Will do. Tea's at five o'clock sharp" Again they started to wander around, passing some of the pubs they'd found last night, all of which seemed dormant as if recharging their batteries ready for another nights activity. They passed through amusement arcades, putting loose change into slots and winning nothing. Kiosks had opened everywhere selling everything from T-shirts to Blackpool rock to plastic toys made in some south east Asian country that were sure to break as soon as you got them home. They soon found themselves on the sea front and while it wasn't raining the onshore wind off the Irish Sea was keeping the temperature down. There were still a few brave souls though who'd hired deck chairs and were sat on the beach, rugged up, while their kids dug holes in the sand with Taiwanese made buckets and spades. One guy had the paper blown out of his hand and proceeded to chase it up the beach. On they walked and soon they caught sight of the donkeys near the southern pier.
"Go on Oz, give it another go" urged Moxey.
"Forgive the pun but I'm not going to make an ass of myself" They watched the young, enthusiastic riders try to make the well behaved donkeys go quicker but they just walked to a pole, turned around then came back. Soon they reached the Pleasure Beach which they entered with Oz having one mission, to go on the Big One.
Standing underneath it Moxey shook his head., "No way Oz, I'll watch"
"Who else is chicken?" asked Oz.
"Count me in" said Bomber.
"Me too" said Wayne not really wanting to do it but because they were surrounded by women who couldn't wait to get on, didn't want his machismo questioned.
"Well Moxey, you don't have a choice now" Oz looked at Bomber who threw Moxey over his shoulder and joined the long queue. "Ok ok, put me down" As soon as he was down he tried to make a run for it but Bomber grabbed him and this time didn't let go until they were at the point of no return. Once sat in the carriage Moxey rubbed his wrist which showed four distinct finger marks where Bomber had held him. Up and up the carriage went for what seemed like forever then upon reaching the top the track just fell away throwing everyone into a descent causing most women and some men to scream. Up and down, round and round they went and when it was over, Moxey had to be helped off.
"Bloody hell Mox, you look terrible" Oz laughed.
"All me insides have been rearranged. I need a drink" Wayne agreed that now would be a good time to have a drink, so they left the 'fun' fair behind and went back to a pub they'd seen on the front earlier, The Viking where they spent the afternoon getting primed for the nights events.

Returning to the hotel for tea, Tom told them that he'd spoken to his friend and that any friends of Toms were friends of his. They had tea, showered then met down in the bar, where Tom appeared and served them drinks. Sitting down Oz said "I wouldn't have his job for anything. He's the last one to bed, the first up in the morning to get breakfast"
"That's true, and I haven't seen anyone helping him" said Moxey. Tom appeared drying his hands on a tea towel. "Everything ok?" he asked.
"Four more when you're ready" While pouring them Oz asked, "Do you run this yourself?"
"No no I have my wife and daughter to help"
"We haven't seen them. What do they do?"
"Good question. As a matter of fact they're up in Scotland helping her sister. It's fine by me, they just get under my feet when they're here"
"Why don't you come to your mates club with us, have a break" suggested Bomber.
"Thanks for the offer but as you can imagine I've a lot to do here"
"You should get some help"
"What! Waste money on some bone idle teenager. No thanks I'll do it myself" He gave Oz his drinks on a tray and disappeared into the back again.
"Typical Yorkshireman, tighter than a ducks arse. He probably looks under the bed each morning to see if he's lost any sleep"

Just after nine o'clock that night they went to the club suggested by Tom. 'Big Macs' it said outside in curly, neon lights and while it didn't look too flash they'd timed it right, getting out of the taxi just as a hen party was disembarking from a coach. "Now this is more like it" said Wayne and they joined the queue behind the last of the party. Wayne was into it right away and even before they'd reached the entrance, his silver-tongued charm had wooed the queue tailenders. When they got to the pay-window Moxey told the attendant that they were guests of the owner.
"Who sent you?" asked the female attendant.
"Tom"
"Tom who" They looked at each other not knowing his surname. Bomber moved Moxey out of the way and said "We're staying at Tom's hotel and he told us that we would be guests of the owner"
"Hang on a minute" she called to one of the doormen to get Mac. "Just wait over there" they moved to one side and allowed the people behind to enter. A couple of minutes later a booming voice from behind them said "So who's trying to get in for nothing then" The voice was familiar to them. They hadn't heard it for a while but it was unmistakable and made the four of them turn and face the oncoming owner. Magowan! He stared at them, then broke into a smile. "Hello Geordie"
"Mac, how are you?"
Looking at the others he said, "What's this then, a Dusselldorf reunion"
"No, we work together" After a moments silence Magowan said "Well come on then, let's have a drink" They followed him, passed the main dance hall that was already three quarters full and through to what was his office which boasted a small bar and card table. In the middle of the table was a pack of cards which Oz picked.up "Do you fancy yourself as a card player Geordie?" said Magowan pouring them all drinks. Moxey and Wayne stood behind Bomber not feeling very comfortable.
"I don't mind the odd game"
"Well if you're feeling lucky later maybe you can join in" He handed them their drinks and continued "This is how I make my money. The club does ok and it allows me to let off a little steam when things get rowdy. But this is where I spend most of my weekends, taking money off wannabe punters"
"And I bet you get no arguments either" said Wayne.
"What do you mean by that London?"
"No..nothing. Look, to be honest Tom our landlord recommended this place, so we're here for a good night out and if we're lucky, pick up a few women"
"Oh, you mean Yorkie. I've taken about twenty grand off him in the last six months. His family's left him and won't go back until he's sold the hotel and returned to Yorkshire" Feeling sorry for Tom, Oz finished his drink and said "Well thanks Mac. If you don't mind we'll rejoin the crowd out there. See if we can get lucky"
"Ok, but don't forget, if you can't get lucky out there then try your luck in here later. I've been away for a few weeks so I've got some making up to do"
"Yeah, we heard" said Moxey.
"And what did you hear?"
"That you caught someone with their fingers in the till"
"That's what the poilce heard. Let's just say I caught him with one too many aces, so he'll have to use his other hand to hold cards"
"Well, good to see you again Mac" He shook his hand and left quickly followed by Moxey and Wayne. Bomber slowly finished his drink and Magowan said "I could find a use for you at this club"
"No thank you, my conscience wouldn't allow me" and he joined the others.

At a position as far away from Magowans office as they could find, they sat at a table discussing their unfortunate discovery. "He's not changed has he" said Moxey.
"Never likely to either" said Wayne.
"Maybe we should leave" suggested Moxey.
"Moxey man he won't bother us. Forget about him All he's concerned about is his cards. Go and get the round in" said Oz.
A few drinks later the thought of Magowan was forgotten by all as one by one they found themselves female company to dance away the night with. Wayne was going from one to the next, but it was the stunning, leggy blonde who caught his attention. The tan was out of a bottle but the looks were out of Cleo. Breaking the ice with her was hard but after a couple of expensive cocktails she began to warm to his enchantment and soon they were dancing intimately. At the bar Moxey was joined by Bomber who were buying their new companions a drink. "Wayne's done alright again" said Bomber.
"Look how short her skirt is. Any shorter and it will just be a belt"
"Mine's a bitter" said a voice from behind them. Looking round they saw it was Tom. Moxey got him a drink and Bomber said "This friend of yours, we know him. He's a nut case"
"He told us about your unfortunate domestic circumstances too" added Moxey.
"Yes well I've decided to sell up and go back to Barnsley. Don't know what I'll do yet when I get there"
"Have you told your wife?"
"What! Sod her. Best thing that ever happened to me, her leaving. It's because of her I got in this state. She'd always spend any spare money we had. We couldn't save anything so I started going to card schools and losing everything. She got the shits and left" He took the glass of bitter off Moxey, had a sip then spat it all over the place. Apologising to the ones who got hit he said "What the hell is your mate playing at!"
"Who?"
"The London fella"
"Wayne? Why?"
"That's Magowans girlfriend he's smooching with"
"Shit!" Leaving their drinks on the bar, Moxey and Bomber raced to Wayne, grabbed him by the arm and pulled him off the dance floor. Oz, who was dancing nearby, saw what was going on and came over to them.
"What are you playing at?" asked Wayne.
"That's Macs' girl" said Bomber.
"Oh, well done London" said Oz.
'You'd better leave. He's very jealous of her" said Tom. All eyes turned to Magowans office. The door of it flew open and out ran Magowan in their direction followed by several others. "Shit, you've had it" said Tom. As Magowan approached he grabbed his girlfriend from the dance floor and continued on to them.
"Look Mac" began Wayne, his voice wavering "I'm sorry but I didn't know that........"
"Sorry lads, got to go" interrupted Magowan "I've just heard I'm going to get raided for illegal gambling so I've got to go and find an alibi" With that he went behind the bar obviously to leave from another exit. "You were lucky" said Moxey.
"You all were" said Tom. "If I were you I'd leave before one of his bouncers informs him what was going on because raid or not he'll come back for you" Deciding discretion is the better part of valour they left with Tom, who was driving. for another night in the hotel bar. "Who's looking after things while you're away?"
"My daughter. It seems she hates her aunt Kath as much as I do. I told her I was selling up so she's going to stay with me until I do then she's going back to uni" Eyeing Wayne through the rear view mirror he said "Just make sure you keep Wayne away from her"

Monday morning on the site, they were telling Dennis, Neville and Barry about their encounter.
"Magowan!" said Dennis.
"Of all the people. Sounds like he hasn't changed" said Neville.
"It's not like Wayne to get you into trouble" said Barry.
"Hang on, it wasn't my fault. Everyone was dancing with someone. I just picked the wrong one"
"So did anything good come out of the weekend?" asked Dennis.
"Well one thing" said Oz, "None of us got covered in shit"

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